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BRUDDER  BONE'S 

"4-11-44"  JOKER. 


Spell  L-a-d-y. 

:t  I  understand,  sir,  that  you  have  been  to  college  V* 
"  Oh  yes,  sir — I've  been  all  frough  scollege." 

'Then  I  suppose  that  you  can  spell  pretty  well?" 
"  I  can  spell  anyting  dat  you  can  ax  me." 

'  Well,  spell  Lady,  that's  an  easy  word." 

'  We  didn't  hab  any  ob  dem  in  de  school  I  went  to." 

14  L-a-d-y— that  spells  Lady." 

"  Ob  course  it  does  ;   any  "body  ought  to  know  dat," 

'What  does  A-p-p-1-e— P-i-e  spell?" 
'j  Lady,  to  be  sure." 

"  No,  it  spells  Apple  Pie.     What  does  Pumpkin 
spell  ?" 

«  Punkin  Pie." 

"  Peach  Pie?" 

"  Peach  Pie." 

"Mince  Pie?" 

"  Mincen  Pie." 

"  Now  then,  what  does  L-a-d-y  spell  ?" 

"  Custard  Pie." 

809 


4  BRUDDER  HONES' 

Mistaken  Identity. 

"In  1864,"  says  a  correspondent  of  WILD  OATS,  "1 

was  in  the  Hospital,  near  Richmond,  Va.,  and, 

being  convalescent,  I  was  seated  one  day  in  fron  t  of 
my  quarters  when  I  observed  a  North  Carolinian  come 
out  of  his  quarters,  opposite,  and  take  a  look  about 
the  premises.  Finally  he  spied  a  sick  Virginian 
(yellow  as  satfron  from  having  the  jaundice),  seated  a 
short  distance  away.  Thinking,  evidently,  that  he  had 
met  a  companion  from  the  Palmetto  State,  the  North 
Carolinian,  with  that  peculiar  nasal  twang  which  beats 
the  down  Easl  Yankee  for  its  intensity,  approached 
him  : 

"  1  say,  mister,  don't  yew  belong  tew  the  42d  North 
Carolina  Regiment  ?" 

The  Virginian  was  mad  as  a  hornet,  and,  looking  the 
daggers  he  could  not  gesticulate,  he  said  : 

"  No,  you  accursed  fool !  I've  been  sick  is  what 
makes  me  look  so  /" 

Palmetto  drew  off  his  inquiries,  satisfied. 

A  Quaker  Clincher. — A  skeptical  young  collegian 
confronted  an  old  Quaker  with  the  statement  that  he 
did  not  believe  in  the  Bible. 

The  Quaker  said  : 

"  Does  thee  believe  in  France  ?" 

"  Yes,  for  though  I  have  not  seen  it,  I  have  seen 
others  that  have  ;  besides  there  is  plenty  of  corrobora- 
tive proof  that  such  a  country  does  exist." 

"  Then  thee  will  not  believe  anything  thee  and  others 
have  not  seen  ?" 

"  No,  to  be  sure  I  won't." 

"  Did  thee  ever  see  thy  own  brains?" 

«  No." 

"  Ever  see  anybody  that  did  ?" 

"No." 

"  Does  thee  believe  thee  has  any." 

The  young  man  left. 

If  you  spend  an  evening  out,  never  finish  it  with  a 
reel. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  6 

Patriotic. 

"  Massa,  I  was  to  a  party  de  oder  night." 
"  Did  you  have  a  rich  time  ?" 
"  Didn't  do  nofin  else." 
"  I  suppose  you  had  a  supper  there  ?" 
"  Yes,  sir,  and  such  a  supper,  and  wine  flew  like 
water." 

"  Was  there  any  sentiment  given  at  the  table  ?" 
"Guess  not;  I  didn't  see  datdish  on  de  bill  obfair." 
"You  don't  understand — I  mean  toasts." 
"  Oh,  I  know  now  what  you  mean.     When  day  was 
drinkin'  somebody  would  say,  '  Here's  to  us,'  etc." 
"  Yes,  exactly.     1  suppose  you  had  your  turn  T 
"Yes,  sir." 

"  What  was  the  toast  given  by  you  ?" 
"  It  was  dis — 

De  ships  ob  our  navy, 

De  ladies  ob  our  land  ; 
May  de  former  be  full  rigg'd, 
And  de  latter  be  well  mann'd." 

Our  office  boy's  brother  is  a  boy  in  a  store  further  up 
town.  We  overheard  them  comparing  notes  of  matters 
and  things  the  other  day,  and  says  our  boy's  brother, 
"  Well,  I  know  that  it  is  rather  rough  on  a  fellow  to  be 
bossed  around  by  everybody  in  the  store,  but,  by  jingo, 
don't  I  get  even  when  the  ash-man  comes  in  the  morn- 
ing, eh  ?  You  just  bet !" 

Chicago  theatre  audiences  are  judged  from  a  moral 
point  of  view  by  the  number  of  those  that  go  out  "  to 
see  a  man."  On  a  recent  occasion,  at  the  principal 
theatre,  the  whole  audience,  except  two  men,  went  out 
to  drink.  On  investigation,  it  was  found  that,  of  these 
two,  one  was  already  drunk,  and  the  other  had  an  ui> 
settled  account  at  the  bar  and  dare  not  go. 

A  young  lady  from  the  country  now  visiting  the 
city  writes  home  thusly  :  "  Nobody  isn't  nothin'  now 
which  doesn't  hole  up  her  cloz,  and  the  hier  you  holes 
'em  the  more  you  are  notised." 


6  BRUDDER  BONE'S 

Tax  Levy  Dialogue. 

First  Citizen  (reading  the  city  tax  levy).  Hillo!  what 
in  thunder  is  this  item  ?  "  Wells  and  pumps "  (for 
keeping  the  same  in  repair),  $2,500. 

Second  Citizen — I  thought  such  things  were  done 
away  with  in  New  York. 

Third  Citizen — I  guess  it  must  mean  the  expenses  of 
the  Croton  Board.  Of  course  we  have  no  pumps. 

First  Citizen — No,  no.  The  Croton  Aqueduct  Board 
asks  for  five  thousand  in  another  place.  I  don't  under- 
stand it.  "  Pumps  and  wells  " — it's  a  fraud.  I'll  write 
a  letter  to  the  Herald  about  it,  right  away.  "  Wells 
and  pumps."  Fiddlesticks! 

Fourth  Citizen — Now,  don't  go  off  half-cocked,  my 
friend.  The  amount  asked  for  is  quite  reasonable. 

First  Citizen — How  so  ;  where  are  our  wells  and 
pumps? 

Fourth  Citizen — I  will  enlighten  you.  We  have  a  city 
government.  Very  good ;  in  fact  well  and  good.  Is 
not  the  city  treasury  a  well ;  and  is  not  every  office  a 
pump  .' 

First  Citizen — Why  necessarily  a  pump  ? 

Fourth  Citizen — Hath  not  each  office  a  sucker  in  it  ? 
Therefore,  I  say  the  demand  is  reasonable.  The  wear 
and  tear  cannot  be  large,  yet  those  suckers  must  not 
be  allowed  to  get  dry ;  hence  the  demand  for  repairs. 

The  citizens  scatter,  well  convinced  that  they  know 
but  little  about  running  a  city  goverment. 

Taking  it  Easily. — HENRIETTA — I  hear  you  are  to  be 
married  ;  when  is  your  wedding  to  come  off? 

ADELAIDE — O,  I  don't  know,  exactly  ;  I  have  several 
visits  to  pay  this  spring,  and  one  or  two  old  flames  to 
smother ;  besides,  Harry  says  he  cannot  give  up  his 
shooting  excursion  this  fall,  and,  as  I  shall  be  kept  at 
Newport  all  summer — well,  I  guess  we'll  settle  it  ai>out 
Christmas,  when  there  is  nothing  else  going  on,  you 
know. 

What  sort  of  legs  does  a  factory  mule  go  upon? 
Spindle-shanks,  of  course, 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  7 

A  Good  Lighter. 

In  our  regiments  was  a  rollicking  Irishman,  called 
John,  who  had  seen  a  vast  deal  of  the  world,  and  who 
had  profited  by  his  experience.  John  was  favored 
with  a  face  so  grotesque  and  droll  that  his  appearance 
among  the  boys  was  the  signal  for  fun.  The  camp 
frontier  was  on  the  W —  turnpike,  and  here  the  boys 
congregated  to  amuse  themselves  after  their  own 
volition.  John  was  usually  among  them,  smoking 
vigorously,  but  talking  little.  One  evening  while  here 
seated,  there  came  up  the  road  a  certain  commissary 
who,  in  some  manner,  had  given  offense  to  the  men, 
and  whom  they  howled  and  groaned  at  most  unmerci- 
fully. At  this  the  mule,  upon  which  he  was  riding, 
took  fright,  and  it  was  with  great  difficulty  that  the 
commissary  could  restrain  him.  Having  accomplished 
this,  and  with  many  threats  of  direful  import,  he  rode 
on,  John  only  remarking  that  he  was  "  a  quare  boy." 

The  following  evening  our  friend  again  rode  up 
gallantly,  was  again  greeted  as  he  had  been  the  night 
before,  and  this  time  the  mule  threw  him,  in  a  sitting 
posture,  on  the  ground  Picking  himself  up,  he 
approached  the  men,  swearing  furiously,  threatening 
that  he  would  at  once  report  the  affair  at  headquarters, 
and  that  they  should  be  promptly  and  summarily  dealt 
with.  As  he  was  about  to  move  on,  John,  who  had 
all  this  time  maintained  the  utmost  gravity,  here  broke 
in  and  addressed  the  discomfited  commissary  as 
follows  : 

"  I  say,  Commissary,  [  don't  know  how  good  a  rider 
ye  are,  but,  begorra,  ye're  the  divil  at  'lightin' !"  Amid 
a  roar  of  laughter,  our  ration-al  friend  speedily  got  out 
of  the  way. 

Avoid  hypocrisy,  my  dear  boys,  in  all  its  moods  and 
tenses.  If  you  think  a  man  is  a  fool,  tell  him  so,  un- 
less he  is  bigger  than  yourself. 

"  I  have  a  great  love  for  old  hymns"  said  a  pretty 
girl  to  her  masculine  comoanion.  "  I  am  much  fonder 
af  younjr  hers,"  was  nis  repiy._ 


8  THE   " DUNDREARY'' 

A  Negro  Sermcn. 

"  '  Strate  am  de  road,  an  narrow  am  de  paff  which 
leads  off  to  glory!'  Bredren — Blevers  :  You  am  sem- 
bled  d is  nite  in  comin' to  hear  de  word,  an' have  it 
splained  an'  monstrated  to  yu  ;  yes  yu  is — an'  I  'tend 
to  splain  it  as  de  lite  of  libin  day.  We  are  all  wicked 
sinners  har  below — it's  a  fack,  bredren,  an'  1  tell  you 
how  it  cum.  Yu  see, 

"  Adam  was  de  fust  man, 

Eve  was  de  tudder ; 
Cane  was  de  wicked  man, 

Kase  lie  killed  his  brudder." 

Adam  an  Ebe  were  boff  black  men,  an'  so  was  Cane 
an'  Able.  Now  I  s'pose  it  seems  to  strike  yer  under- 
standings how  de  fust  white  man  cum.  Why,  I  let 
you  know  Den  you  see  when  Cane  killed  his  brud- 
der, de  massa  cum  an'  say,  '  Cane,  whar's  yu  brudder 
Able  ?'  Cane  say,  '  I  don't  know,  massa.'  But  de  nig- 
ger node  all  de  time.  Massa  now  get  mad  an'  come 
again — speak  mighty  sharp  dis  time.  '  Cane,  whar's 
yu  brudder  Able,  yu  nigger?'  Cane  now  get  frightened 
an'  he  turn  white;  an'  dis  de  way  de  fust  white  man 
cum  upon  dis  earth.  An'  if  it  had  not  been  for  dat  dar 
nigger  Cane,  we'd  nebber  been  troubled  wid  de  sassy 
whites  'pon  de  face  of  dis  circumlar  globe.  De  quire 
will  sing  de  forty-eleventh  hymn,  tickler  meter.  Brud- 
der Joe,  pass  around  the  sassar." 

Scientific  men  have  recently  discovered  that  the  poi- 
son taken  into  the  system  from  continual  smoking  of 
tobacco  will  cause  death  in  one  hundred  and  sixty  seven 
years.  We  vvarn  our  readers  who  have  been  smoking 
nearly  that  time  to  break  themselves  of  the  habit  at 
once. 

"Lookee  here,  mister,  I  ain't  complainin';  but  this  'ere 
moosic  stool  you  sold  to  my  wife,  we've  twisted  it 
roun'  till  we've  twisted  off  un's  ead,  an'  not  a  ha'porth 
o'toon  can  we  get  out  of  'un.'j^ 


•4-H-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  » 

Don't  believe  me,  Sam?  Why,  I  was  dar  all  one 
winter. 

What  college  was  it  ? 

Pale  Ale  College. 

Yale  College.     What  did  you  do  ? 

Why,  I  made  all  de fires  and  cleaned  de  stugents' 
boots. 

"  What  is  this  world  coming  to  ?"  said  a  kind-hearted 
but  simple  old  lady,  as  she  threw  down  her  newspaper. 
"  Only  to  think,"  she  continued,  "  that  there  in  New 
York,  at  Fisk's  Opera  House,  they  allow  a  parcel  of 
French  dancing  girls  to  execute  their  grand  pas  on  the 
stage,  with  the  people  all  a  looking  at  'em  and  applaud- 
ing of  'em  too !" 

A  physician  going  down  street  with  a  friend  of  his, 
said  to  him,  "  Let  us  avoid  that  pretty  little  woman 
you  see  there  on  the  left ;  she  recognizes  me,  and  casts 
upon  me  looks  of  indignation.  I  attended  her  husband." 
"  Ah  !  I  understand,  you  had  the  misfortune  to  dispatch 
him."  "  On  the  contrary,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  I  saved 
him,  and  she  did  not  get  a  chance  to  get  another." 

Mrs.  Jones  (to  her  husband  who  has  been  "  calling  "). 
— Well,  Jones,  you  are  a  nice-looking  man,  ain't  you  ? 
Where  have  you  been? 

Jones. — Been  c-c-alling,  my  dear — hie  ! 

Mrs.  J. — I  should  say  so  ;  how  came  you  so  bedaubed 
with  mud  ? 

Jones. — Why,  fac  ish,  I  stumbled  over  a  horse-car, 
and  we  fell  into  the  mud  together.  (Jones  is  put  to 
bed). 

At  Lawrence,  Kansas,  last  Sunday,  while  a  minister 
was  holding  forth  in  the  church,  a  crowd  got  up  a 
cock-fight  in  the  yard.  The  people  who  had  congre^ 
gated  to  hear  "  the  Word  "  went  out  to  put  a  stop  to 
the  fight,  but  waited  until  the  battle  was  over  before 
objecting.  The  minister  looked  out  of  the  window  at 
the  crowd  and  said  :  "  We  are  all  miserable  sinners 
— which  whipped?" 


10  BRUDDER  BONE'S 

Life  in    Chicago. 

Chicago  Wife — What  is  the  meaning  of  this,  Henry  ? 
We  have  been  married  nearly  a  whole  year,  and  now 
you  talk  of  getting  a  divorce,  and  have  commenced  to 
sell  the  furniture. 

Chicago  Husband — Yes,  I  am  going  to  make  a  clean 
eweep  and  get  an  entire  new  domestic  outfit.  But  you 
needn't  take  on  so  about  it;  your  first  husband  didn't 
live  with  you  but  three  months,  and  your  second  but 
six  months,  so  I  think  I  have  done  pretty  well  by  you. 

A  young  couple  eloped  from  a  neighboring  town 
lately,  and  when  at  a  safe  distance  from  home  were 
married.  Soon  after  an  officer  was  in  pursuit,  and  upon 
arriving  at  the  hotel  where  they  were  stopping  he  im- 
mediately entered  their  room  and  found  them  snug  in 
bed.  He  explained  his  errand,  when  the  young  lajSy 
said,  with  a  ringing  laugh:  "Tell  ma  it's  too  late. 
We've  been  married  some  time,  and  have  bean  in  bed 
half  an  hour.  Snuggle  up,  George,  and  don't  get  out 
of  bed  for  him." 

Old  Captain  Moon  (of  Western  steamboat  notoriety,) 
was  sitting  one  night  on  the  capstan,  keeping  a  sharp 
look-out  ahead,  when,  lulled  by  the  driving  machinery, 
he  went  fast  a-sleep,  which  was  no  sooner  perceived, 
than  one  of  the  hands  gave  him  a  "  turn  round."  facing 
the  boiler  fires,  and  then  stuck  a  pin  in  him.  Opening 
his  eyes,  he  gave  one  jump  and  snouted  :  "  Back  her? 
stop  her !  here's  a  big  steamboat  right  into  us." 

A  marrying  bachelor  anxiously  asks  if  it  would  be 
of  any  use  to  attempt  to  make  love  to  a  young  lady 
after  one  has  stood  on  her  dress  till  he  could  hear  the 
gathers  rip  at  her  waist?  Yes,  if  you  have  a  plenty 
of  money,  let  her  rip. 

Instead  of  "  hops';  this  season,  we  are  to  have  round 
dances  called  "  twists."  It  will  be  common  to  see  a 
gentleman  walk  up  to  a  lady,  run  out  his  elbow,  and 
say  "  Madam,  will  you  favor  me  with  a  twist  ?"  and 
she  twists. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  11 

New  Mode  of  Borrowing  Money. 

Master. — Where  have  you  been  these  few  days  past? 

Clown. — I  don't  like  to  tell  you,  massa, 

M. — Why  not  ?     Have  you  been  fishing ! 

C.— He  !  he  !  he  ! 

M. — Come,  tell  me. 

C. — You  won't  be  mad  at  me? 

M. — No,  sir. 

C. —  Well,  I've  been  to  jail. 

M.— To  jail  ? 

C. — Yes,  sir. 

M.—  What  did  they  put  you  there  for  ? 

C. — For  only  borrowing  two  dollars  and  *  half  from 
a  man. 

M. — Why,  sir,  you're  talking  nonsense;  people  are 
not  imprisoned  for  berrying  money. 

C. — Well,  massa,  you  see  I  had  to  knock  dis  feller 
down  tree  or  four  times  afore  he  let  me  hab  it. 

"  What  have  you  got  that's  good  ?"  said  a  hungry 
traveller,  as  he  seated  himself  at  a  dinner  table  in  Salt 
Lake  City.  "  Oh,  we've  got  roast  beef,  corned  beef,  roast 
mutton,  boiled  and  fried  ham,  and  broiled  curlews?" 
"  What  is  curlew  ?"  said  the  stranger.  "Curlew  !  why 
curlew  is  a  bird  something  like  a  snipe."  "  Could  it 
fly  ?"  "  Yes."  "  Did  it  have  wings  ?"  «  Yes."  "  Then 
I  don't  want  any  curlew.  Anything  that  had  wings  and 
could  fly,  and  didn't  leave  this  d — d  country,  I  don't 
want  for  dinner." 

During  the  performance  of  an  overture,  one  of  the 
trumpets  played  too  low,  which  the  leader  observing, 
he  cried  out :  "  Louder,  louder !"  No  attention  being 
paid,  he  repeated  his  command  so  often  that  at  length 
the  indignant  Teuton  threw  down  his  trumpet  in  an. 
agony  of  passion  and  exaustion,  and  turning  to  the  au- 
dience exclaimed  :  "It  is  very  easy  to  cry  louder,  louden  1 
but  vhere  ist  the  vind  to  come  from  ?" 

Why  is  a  sick  Jew  like  a  ruby  1 
Because  it  is  a  (jew  ill.) 


12  BRUDDER  BONES' 

An  Old,  Old  Story. 

The  following  is  as  old  as  Luther,  but  is  new  to  this 
generation  at  least.  In  the  town  of  Kennebunk  it  was 
the  custom,  many  years  ago,  for  each  family  to  take 
turns  in  killing  their  hogs,  so  that,  by  distribution,  all 
couid  have  fresh  pork  the  season  Found.  One  individ- 
ual, who  had  enjoyed  his  roast  pork,  and  pork  and 
beans,  having  had  many  of  the  like  favors  showered 
thick  upon  him,  thought  it  no  more  than  right  that  he 
should  return  the  compliment  to  his  neighbors.  Meet- 
ing a  neighbor,  Mr.  Gill  by  name,  he  told  him  that  he 
thought  he  should  reciprocate ;  but  the  great  trouble 
was,  his  pork  was  only  a  "  little  pig,"  and  worild  not 
go  half  round  the  village.  "  Well,"  said  Gill,  "  I'll  tell 
you  what  to  do;  you  just  kill  the  pesky  critter  and 
hang  him  outside  your  barn,  so  that  the  people  will  see 
it,  arid  at  twelve  o'clock  to  night  you  just  come  out  and 
take  him  in,  and  swear  somebody  stole  him — do  you 
see  ?"  "  Jess  so  !"  says  the  other ;  and  straightway 
slaughtered  his  pig,  and  hung  him  in  view  of  all  pass- 
ers-by. At  about  mid-night  he  went  to  take  his  defunct 
squealer  in,  when  behold,  it  was  missing  !  He  went  to 
bed,  troubled  in  mind  and  body,  but  on  rising  next 
morning  went  straightway  to  find  Gill,  and  the  follow- 
ing conversation  took  place : 

Mr.  J. — "  Gill,  my  friend,  by  the  powers,  my  pig, 
that  I  killed  yesterday,  was  stole!*  last  night !" 

Mr.  G. — "  You  don't  say  so  1 — goodness  me  !" 

Mr.  J. — "  Yes  ;  I  hung  it  out  on  the  barn,  and  when 
I  went  to  take  it  in,  I  found  it  gone." 

Mr.  G. — "  That's  the  way  !  keep  it  up — keep  it  up  ! 
If  I  did  not  know  you  were  lying,  I'd  swear  you  told 
the  truth !" 

Mr.  J. — "  But  I  tell  you,  confound  ye !  I'm  telling 
the  truth.  My  pig  was  stole  !" 

Mr.  G.— "That's  it!  How  wonderful!  You  beat 
the  best  actor  I've  ever  seen !  It's  a  big  joke  !" 

Mr.  J. — "  But,  hang  it,  it's  no  joke  to  me  !  The  pig 
was  stolen  last  night,  and  that's  Gospel  truth !" 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  18 

Mr.  G. — "  Well,  if  you  tell  all  the  village  with  such 

an  earnest  manner,  every  man,  woman,  and  child  will 

surely  believe  ye." 

Mr.  J. — "  But  I  tell  you — well,  no  matter." 

And  Mr.  J.  left  his  friend  Gill  with  curses  loud  and 

deep.     It  transpired  that  Gill  was  the  cruel  one  who 

stole  the  little  pig  away. 

Difficulties  in  Either  Case. — One  evening,  at  a  private 
party  at  Oxford,  at  which  Dr.  Johnson  was  present,  a 
recently  published  essay  on  the  future  life  of  brutes 
was  referred  to,  and  a  gentleman,  disposed  to  support 
the  author's  opinion  that  the  lower  animals  have  an 
"  immortal  part,"  familiarly  remarked  to  the  doctor, 
"  Really,  sir,  when  we  see  a  very  sensible  dog,  we  don't 
know  what  to  think  of  him."  Johnson,  turning  quick- 
ly round,  replied,  "  True,  sir ;  and  when  we  see  a  very 
foolish  fellow,  we  don't  know  what  to  think  of  him." 

Metaphor. — Sometimes  the  sayings  of  colored  folks 
will  provoke  laughter  in  spite  of  one's  self.  Last  win- 
ter, during  a  revival  in  a  negro  congregation  at  Harmer, 
one  of  the  members — an  old  and  very  earnest  Christian 
woman — relating  her  experience  and  rejoicing  in  the 
fact  that  she  was  a  Christian  woman,  said  :  "  I  would 
rather  be  a  deck-hand  on  de  ark  of  de  Lord  dan  be  de 
Captain  ob  de  Wild  Wagoner."  The  Wild  Wagoner 
was  then  the  Wheeling  and  Cincinnati  packet,  and  one 
of  the  finest  vessels  above  the  falls  of  the  Ohio. 

"  Is  my  face  dirty  ?"  asked  a  young  lady  from  the 
backwoods,  while  seated  with  her  aunt  at  the  dinner 
table  on  a  steamboat  running  from  Cairo  to  New 
Orleans.  "Dirty!  No.  Why  did  you  ask  T  "Because 
that  insulting  waiter  insists  upon  putting  a  towel  beside 
my  plate.  I've  thrown  three  under  the  table,  and  yet 
every  time  he  comes  around  he  puts  another  one  before 


me." 


Sixty  skaters  have  been  drowned  in  Ohio  within  the 
past  two  weeks.  The  undertakers  indorse  skating  as  a 
rational  amusement. 


14  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Awful. 

"  So  you  had  a  suicide  at  your  house  last  week  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes  siree,  and  de  affair  almost  scart  me  fco 
defF." 

"  Who  was  the  person "?" 

"  A  German  from  California." 

"  Did  he  come  by  the  steamer  ?" 

"  No,  he  cum  ober  de  Erecipilus  by  de  Nicerauger 
route  and  stopped  at  our  house  prebious  to  his  'ribal." 

"  Was  he  insane  ?" 

"  I  don't  know,  Sam,  but  I  thought  he  was  crazy  by 
his  actions." 

"  Why  so  V 

"  Coz  he  gib  me  a  shillin'  de  minute  he  laid  eyes  on 
me — and  from  dat  minute  I  stuck  to  him  for  fear  dat 
somebody  would  rob  him." 

"How  did  you  discover  the  deed  ?" 

"  Why  de  next  mornin  de  chambermaid  was  goin  up 
stairs  and  she  had  to  pass  by  dis  gemman's  door;  and 
just  as  she  got  to  de  door  she  smelt  lodlum,  and  when 
she  smelt  lodlum  she  smelt  a  rat.  She  knocked  at  de 
door — but  no  answer — den  she  broke  de  door  down 
and  dar  she  beheld —  " 

"What  ?" 

"  De  California  man  layin  on  de  floor  wid  his  boots 
on  and  in  his  troat  was  stickin  a  lodlum  bottle." 

"  What  did  she  then  do  ?" 

"  Why,  sent  right  away  for  de  Sturgeon." 

"  The  Surgeon,  you  mean." 

"  Yes  ;  he  come  and  made  a  desissionhere  in  de  neck." 

"  Incision,  you  mean." 

"  Yes  ;  right  nigh  de  borax,  which  reached  as  fur  as 
de  equilibrium  into  de  sarcophigus,  and  puttin  acortven 
into  de  desission,  gib  him  a  poke  into  de  dispotchlus, 
when  out  flew  de  bottle  and  was  safe." 

"  What— the  man  ?" 

"  No — de  bottle,  to  be  sure." 

Why  are  soldiers  apt  to  be  tired  in  the  month  of 
April  ?  Because  they've  just  gone  through  a  MARCH  ? 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  15 

New  Bat  Exterminator. 

'  Massa,  I've  jest  discovered  how  to  catch  rats  a  new 
way." 

'  How  do  you  mean  ?" 
"  What  will  you  gib  me  to  tell  you  ?" 
<k  Nothing." 

'  Well,  neber  mind  ;  you've  known  me  a  long  time 
and  so  hab  1  known  you  a  long  time,  and  so  I'll  tell 
you  for  nofin'." 

'  Well,  how  do  you  catch  rats  your  way  ?" 
Listen.  Git  a  nice  piece  ob  cheese — go  to  your 
bed-room—say  your  prayers— git  into  bed— den  eat 
your  cheese— lay  on  yer  back— keep  still,  wid  your 
mouth  wide  open— and  pooty  soon  de  rats  will  smell 
de  cheese.  Fust  dey'll  hunt  down  round  de  floor— den 
under  de  bed,  and  at  last  git  on  de  bed.  Den  you 
must  keep  awful  still,  or  you'll  frighten  'em  awav. 
Dey  approach  yer  mouth,  deylook  in,  den  go  away. 
Dey  come  back — den  dey  put  der  tail  into  your  mouth 
to  see  how  deep  it  is.  Dey  prepare  to  go  in.  Der 
mustachers  tickle  your  mouth,  the  ears  are  past  your 
lips.  Now's  your  time— Bite  !  and  you  got  'em." 

At  a  railway  station  in  the  Black  Country  the  other 
day,  an  altercation  occurred  between  the  station-master 
and  a  huge  collier,  the  occupant  of  a  third-class  carriage. 
'You  must  pay  for  the  dog,  1  tell  you,"  said  the 
station-master,  pointing  to  a  fine  specimen  of  the  bull 
type,  which  sat,  bandy-legged  and  blinking  serenely 
beneath  the  seat. 

"  1  sho', '  returned  the  collier,  curtly. 
''Then    he   must  come   out,"  rejoined   the  station- 
master. 

"Fotch  him  out,  then." 

The  dog,  seeming  to  understand  it  all,  seconded  his 
master's  invitation  by  a  slight  lifting  of  the  upper  lip 
and  a  wicked  gleam  of  Ins  eyes.  He  went  on  by  that 
train,  and  no  fare  was  paid  for  him. 

When  is  a  boat  like  a  knife  ? 

When  it's  a  cutter. 


16  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Frailty,  tliy  Name  is  Woman ! 

Mrs.  A. — I  say,  Mary,  there  are  those  two  men  who 
have  followed  us  all  over  the  Park ;  let  us  call  a 
policeman. 

Mary — No,  no,  don't  do  anything  of  the  kind.  One 
of  them  is  that  model  husband  of  mine  (the  man  who 
never  has  eyes  for  any  woman  but  me).  He  does  not 
know  me  with  my  new  suit  on.  Don't  look  around ; 
it  might  spoil  the  dear  fellow's  sport. 

"  I  stood  near  a  beautiful  girl  last  night,  so  pure  and 
white  and  delicate  that  she  seemed  to  foam  up  over  her 
stays  like  another  goddess  born  of  the  sea  ;  and  my 
mind  would  morbidly  follow  a  cream  through  the  coral 
mouth  and  pearly  teeth,  down  the  dark  passage  of  the 
throat,  to — "  Oh,  Don  Piatt,  how  could  you  ? 

Mil  burn,  the  blind  preacher,  is  making  so  much 
money  lecturing  that  several  other  ministers  are 
wondering  why  they  couldn't  have  been  born  without 
eyes,  that  they  might  go  it  blind. 

"  Do  you  know  a  horse  from  a  jackass,  when  you 
see  them  ?"  asked  a  brow-beating  barrister  of  a  rather 
dull-looking  witness.  "  Oh,  ye-as,  just  so,"  drawled 
out  the  intended  victim,  gazing  intently  at  his  legal 
tormenter  ;  "  I  knows  the  difference ;  and  I'd  never 
take  you  for  a  horse." 

"  Are  these  pure  canaries  ?"  asked  a  young  gentleman 
who  was  negotiating  for  a  gift  for  his  fair  one.  "  Yes,  sir," 
said  the  dealer  confidently ;  "  I  raised  them  'ere  birds 
from  canary  seed." 

An  illiterate  farmer  wishing  to  enter  some  animals 
at  an  agricultural  exhibition,  wrote  as  follows  to  the 
secretary  of  the  society  :  "  Also  enter  me  for  the  best 
jackass.  I  am  sure  of  getting  the  prize.'' 

Not  difficult  to  Please. — "  I  always  sing  to  please 
myself,"  said  a  gentleman,  who  was  humming  a  tune 
in  company.  "  Then  you're  not  at  all  difficult  to  please," 
said  a  lady  who  sat  next  him. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  17 

Back  Bone. 

Our  friend  Jenks  was  at  the  late  yacht  race  in  our 
harbor,  and  resolving  to  show  his  Yankee  back  bone 
and  knowledge  of  ship  building  generally,  he  inter, 
viewed  Mr.  Ashbury,  of  the  Cambria.  Here  is  his 
account  of  it : 

The  Cambria  was  lying  in  the  stream,  and  with  the 
noble  disregard  for  private  rights  characteristic  of  all 
true  Americans,  we  boarded  her.  We  found  her  fast 
aground  on  the  h's  which  the  crew  had  inconsiderately 
dropped  overboard.  Mr.  Ashbury  was  aboard,  and 
we  had  quite  a  pleasant  and  intelligent  conversation 
with  him  regarding  the  different  build  of  American  and 
British  yachts.  He  thinks  we  build  our  vessels  too 
narrow  in  the  beam  and  with  too  much  drag  aft. 
;'Mr.  Ashbury,"  I  remarked,  "can  you  conscientiously 
say  on  your  word  as  a  British  sailor  that  you  think  the 
main  chains  of  a  fore-and-aft  rigged  vessel  should  be 
on  a  line  with  the  cat-head,  instead  of  standing  flush 
with  the  lanyards  of  the  main  shifter — perhaps  a  trifle 
abaft  rather  than  forward,  but  certainly  not  on  a  dead 
line  with  either  of  the  companion  ways  of  the  star- 
board gangway  ?"  He  said  conscientiously  he  could 
not.  "  Then,  sir,"  I  said,  you  confess  the  proud 
pre-eminence  of  Yankee  ship  building,  and  mark  me, 
sir,  boast  of  proud  Britain  as  you  may,  long  after  your 
tarry  top-lights  are  shivered,  and  your  top-gallant  eye- 
brows are  crumbling  in  the  dust,  the  American  jack- 
stay  will  float  proudly  at  the  taffrail  of  civilization  !" 

And  with  that  I  hitched  up  my  trousers,  and  came 
away. 

Sir  Charles  Napier  once  asked  a  fellow,  black  as  a 
chimney-sweep,  "  if  a  coal-pit  would  spoil  his  clothes  ?" 
Bless  you,  I  goes  down  ten  times  a  day,  and  never 
minds  my  clothes,"  was  the  answer. 

What  is  the  legal-tender  act?  Kissing  your  own 
wife— kissing  your  neighbor's  wife  is  an  illegal  tender 
act.  __, „ 


18  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Laughing. 

"Massa,  did  you  eber  try  fur  to  make  anybody 
laugh  r 

"No,  sir,  I  never  did." 

"  Well  now,  dare's  great  many  ways  to  make  folks 
laugh,  sich  as  pokin  straws  into  dar  ears,  makin  faces  at 
'em,  and  a  great  many  oder  ways  too  numerical  fur  to 
mention ;— but  1  kin  tell  you  a  sure  and  sartin  way  ob 
my  own  inwention." 

"  And  pray  in  what  manner  can  you  force  people  to 
laugh  T 

"  Listen — 

He  dat  would  move  anoder  man  to  laughter, 
Must  first  begin — 'toder  comes  soon  arter." 

A  young  man  in  Louisville  examined  a  keg  of  damaged 
gunpowder  with  a  red-hot  poker  to  see  if  it  was  good. 
It  is  believed  by  his  friends  that  he  has  gone  to  Europe 
although  a  man  has  found  some  human  bones  and  a 
piece  of  shirt-tail  about  twenty  miles  from  Louisville. 

A  family  at  New  Haven,  after  building  afire  one 
morning,  heard  a  noise  and  found  the  cook-stove  had 
been  blown  all  over  the  house.  They  don't  say  much 
about  it,  but  the  man  next  door  thinks  his  coal  lasts 
longer  than  it  did  before  he  put  a  charge  of  powder  in- 
to a  large  lump. 

A  New  Soup. — A  dandy,  remarking  one  summer  day 
that  the  weather  was  so  excessively  hot,  that  when  he 
put  his  head  in  a  basin  of  water  it  fairly  boiled,  received 
for  reply — "  Then,  sir,  you  have  a  calf  s  head  soup  at 
very  little  expense." 

A  cotemporary  says  :  "  Don't  marry  dimples,  nor 
ankles,  nor  eyes,  nor  mouths,  nor  hair,  nor  necks,  nor 
chins,  nor  teeth,  nor  simpers.  These  bits  and  scraps 
of  femininity  are  mighty  poor  things  to  tie  to.  Marry 
the  true  thing."  Now,  who's  been  fooling  around  this 
editor  with  such  things  as  these?  Poor  fellow,  if  he 
only  lived  in  Indiana ! 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  19 

Taking  the  Census. 

"Sam,  you  know  I  always  tell  you  my  secrets?" 

"Yes,  you  do,  Julius,  and  by  this  time  I  should 
think  you  had  none  left." 

"Yes,  I  have,  though." 

"Julius,  let  me  hear  it.  It  must  be  good  for  the 
keeping  so  long." 

"No,  Sam,  somewhat  spilt;  but  I'll  tell  you  if  you 
won't  tell  nobody  else." 

"  Certainly  not." 

"  Well,  Sam,  1  was  out  takin  de  census  de  oder  day, 
an'  I  cum  'cross  a  house  what  had  a  nice  scent  of 
broiled  ham  a-cumin  out  ob  de  chinks  ob  de  shutters; 
so  I  stepped  up  to  de  house  an  axed " 

"What,  asked  the  house?" 

"  No,  a  young  lady  dat  came  to  de  door  as  I  was 
takin  de  satistical  census  ob  manufactures  an  products 
— '  if  dere  was  any  produce  raised  here  last  year.' ' 

"  What  did  she  say  ?" 

"  She  sed,  '  Yes,  sir ;  I've  one  'bout  six  months  old !' ' 

"  What  did  she  mean,  Julius?" 

"  Go  'long  wid  you !" 

"Well,  what  did  you  do?" 

"  I  left." 

"  Why  ?" 

"  Case  'twas  time." 

Old  Women. 

"Sam,  who  is  de  oldest  woman  ?" 

"  I  don't  know,  Julius." 

"  I  do,  Sam," 

"  Who  was  she  ?" 

"  Aunty-Quity  ;  an  I  know  anoder  one  nearly  as  old.'" 

"  Who  was  she  ?" 

"  Aunty-Deluvian." 

"  But,  Julius,  did  you  live  cotemporary  with  those 
women  ?" 

"  No ;  but  my  mudder  did." 

"What  was  your  mother's  maiden  name,  Julius.?" 

"  No,  it  wasn't  Julius  ;  it  was  Aunty-Past." 


20  BRUDDER  BONES' 

A  Feeling  Judge. — An  individual  having  been  con- 
victed upon  rather  slight  evidence,  before  a  judge  in 
Hagarstown,  Md.,  he  proceeded  to  pass  judgment  as 
follows : 

"  Prisoner  at  the  bar  !  You  have  been  found  guilty 
by  a  jury  of  your  countrymen  of  a  crime  which  sub- 
jects you  to  the  penalty  of  death.  You  say  you  are 
innocent;  the  truth  of  that  assertion  is  only  known  to 
yourself  and  God.  It  is  my  duty  to  leave  you  for 
execution.  If  guilty,  you  richly  deserve  the  fate  which 
awaits  you — if  innocent,  it  will  be  a  gratification  to 
feel  that  you  were  hanged  without  such  a  crime  on  your 
conscience.  In  either  case  you  will  be  delivered  from 
a  world  of  care." 

Not  Drunk  by  a  Darned  Sight !— "  Mrs.  Smithers, 
where's  my  (hie  cup)  shavings  'tensils?" 

"  Your  shaving  utensils  1  What  do  you  want  of 
your  shaving  utensils  at  this  hour  of  the  night?  Come 
to  bed,  you  brute,  you're  drunk." 

"  You  lie,  my  love,  I'm  not  (hie  cup)  drunk  ;  but  I 
want  to  know  what  come  (hie  cup)  of  that  blue  eyed 
bonnet  what  wore  the  white  silk  young  'oman.  Say, 
where's  them  shaving  'tensils?  If  you  don't  speak, 
(hie  cup)  I'll  take  a  door,  my  love,  and  burst  the  club 


in." 


When  we  left,  Smithers  was  talking  about  the  Con- 
stitution to  the  key  hole  of  a  bed-room  door. 

A  Child  of  Erin, — Deacon  C.  had  an  Irish  girl  who 
was  decidedly  verdant.  The  deacon  was  building  a 
woodhouse  on  ground  which  inclosed  a  well. 

'<  And,  sure,"  said  the  Milesian  help,  "  are  ye  going 
to  move  the  well  ?"  Observing  a  smile  on  his  face,  she 
added,  "  Ah  !  what  a  big  fool  I  be.  Sure  every  drop 
of  wather  would  run  out  movin'  it !" 

A  Western  paper,  speaking  of  Olive  Logan's  lecture, 
says  :  "  She  removed  the  mystery  which  surrounded 
\\\Q  girls."  What  1  and  half  the  audience  men  !  naughty 
Logan. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  21 

State  Overseer. 

"  Sam,  did  you  ever  know  any  mean  man  1" 

11  Yes ;  I  knew  a  man  once  so  mean  that  his  shadow 
wouldn't  follow  him.' 

"  No,  that  wasn't  it,  Sam.  He  was  afraid  his  shadow 
might  ax  him  for  somethin'." 

"  My  father  was  better  than  your  father.  My  father 
was  bigger  dan  your  father." 

"  Don't  know  your  father." 

"  Because,  if  my  father  cared  for  your  father,  when 
your  father  was  wid  my  fader.  Whose  afraid  of  your 
father?  Say!" 

"  Now  he  was  a  mean  man." 

"  That's  a  scandalous  fact." 

"What- did  he  die  of  V1 

"  Enlargement  of  the  heart." 

"  Where  ?" 

"At  the  White  House." 

"  No  ;  the  poor-house." 

"  I  suppose  he  drove  his  own  carriage  7" 

"  Drove  an  omnibus." 

"  Has  he  ever  been  to  Europe  ?" 

"  Yes,  indeed  !     He's  been  to  the  States  Prison,  too.'' 

"  Been  to  the  States  Prison  ?" 

"  Yes  ;  he  had  a  situation  there  for  six  months." 
.  "  What  kind  of  a  situation  !" 

"  He  was  overseer  ?" 

"  What  did  he  oversee?" 

"  Why,  he  looked  over  the  walls  every  day  to  see  if 
there  was  any  chance  to  get  out." 

A  Parisian  play-writer  meets  a  critic  on  the  street, 
and  "  interviews  "  him  on  the  subject  of  several  harsh 
criticisms  he  has  written  on  a  piece  of  his.  "Sir,  you 
ai'e  condemning  my  play  in  unmeasured  terms,  while 
you  yourself  would  not  be  able  to  write  a  single  scene 
of  it!"  "Excuse  me,  sir,"  replied  the  polite  critic  with 
an  urbane  smile,  "  but  a  jury  sitting  in  judgment  on  an 
offender  is  not  exactly  required  to  have  committed  the 
crime  the  accused  is  being  tried  for  " 


22  BRUDDER  BONES' 

A  Genius. 

."  Massa,  did  you  know  dat  1  was  a  great  painter  !" 
"  No,  sir,  I  was  not  aware  of  it." 
"  O  yes,  sir,  I  is." 
'  What  was  the  last  subject  you  portrayed  on  can- 

VflS  » 

"What  did  you  say,  sir?" 

"  What  was  the  last  thing  you  painted  ?" 

"A  horse  and  cart." 

"  Was  it  natural  ?" 

"  Natural  ! — guess  it  was.  Why,  I'd  no  sooner  got 
de  traces  put  on  de  hoss,  dan  he  drew  me  all  round  de 
town." 

"  Wonderful !  Have  you  anything  more  of  equal 
wonder  to  tell  me  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I'm  an  inwenter,  too." 

"  What  have  you  ever  invented  ?" 

"  Suspenders." 

"Suspenders?  And  what  material  difference  have 
you  made  in  them  ?" 

"  A  great  deal  of  difference.  De  suspenders  I've  in- 
wented  is  constructed  on  such  a  plan  dat  when  you  come 
to  a  stream  ob  water  dey  lift  you  right  ober  on  de  oder 
side." 

There  are  several  ways  of  showing  gallantry.  The 
street-car  conductors  in  Wilmington,  N.  C.,  when 
the  mud  is  deep,  provide  a  pair  of  high  boots  which 
they  hang  upon  the  break  behind,  and  when  a  lady 
passenger  wishes  to  alight  or  to  get  on  board,  they 
offer  them  their  choice  in  getting  through  the  usual 
foot  of  mud  which  paves  the  streets  (after  the  fashion 
of  our  own  Fifth  avenue,  only  more  of  it),  either  to 
slip  on  the  boots  or  allow  the  conductor  to  carry  them 
to  the  curb  stone.  Some  of  them  also  provide  stilts, 
but  the  conductors  are  happy  to  state  that  a  majority 
of  the  pretty,  unmarried  ones  prefer  to  be  carried  over. 
Who  wouldn't  work  for  two  dollars  a  day  on  such  * 
road? 


•'4-11-44"  JOKR  BOOK.  23 

A   Stingy  Company. 

The  Captain  Watt  A.  Lyre  of  the  following  story 
is  fictitious  in  name  only.  The  narrator  of  the  Muu 
chausenisms  therein  contained,  and  of  others  equally 
as  absurd  and  ridiculous,  was  alive,  but  a  very  old  man, 
only  a  few  years  ago. 

This  story,  and  others  which  may  follow,  have  their 
jsole  aim  and  use  in  illustrating  the  long-bow  pro- 
clivities of  here  and  there  one  among  a  generation 
•which  is  rapidly  passing  away.  Many  of  my  readers, 
as  they  recall  the  odd  stories  of  some  of  the  old 
grandfathers  of  the  past,  will  fully  understand  what  F 
mean. 

One  of  the  queerest  of  the  many  queer  stories  that 
Captain  Watt  A.  Lyre  used  to  relate  was  the  following, 
illustrating  him  as  a  skatist : 

"  Speakin*  of  skatin',"  said  the  old  man,  "  if  there 
ever  was  a  place  where  I  really  felt  tew  hum  it  was  on 
a  pair  of  skates.  Nobody  in  my  part  of  the  kentry 
had  any  business  with  me  there,  I  tell  you.  A  mile  a 
minute  was  my  usual  gait,  and  that  without  pullin'  out 
any  of  my  extra  pegs  either. 

"  'Minidab  Pollard  and  I  were  out  one  day—  in  the 
winter  of '25  I  guess  it  wus.  It  was  cold.  We  hadn't 
skated  twenty  miles  afore  our  breaths  were  friz  more'n 
eighteen  inches  long  behind  us. 

"  I  found  I'd  got  tew  let  out  a  link  tew  keep  warm. 
I  let  it  out  'cordingly,  tew  the  tune  of  some  eighteen 
or  twenty  rod  at  a  lick,  and  in  less'n  three  minutes, 
though  'Minidab  was  a  desprit  good  skater,  he  looked 
like  a  bumblee  on  the  ice  away  behind  me. 

"  I  had  my  head  down  tew  keep  the  sharp  wind 
from  cuttin'  my  face,  and  so  belted  away  without 
thinkin'  a  single  word  of  the  big  dam  across  the  river, 
right  ahead  of  me. 

"  I  got  within  two  or  three  rod  of  the  'tarnal  thing 
afore  I  seen  it  at  all.  I  was  goin'  straight  for  a  forge 
that  stood  clus  up  tew  and  partly  under  the  right  hand 
eend  of  it. 


24  BRUDDER  BONES' 

"  I  tried  tew  turn,  but  I  might  jest  as  well  have  sot 
out  tew  put  britchin'  on  tew  a  streak  of  lightnin'.  My 
left  heel-strap  broke,  over  I  went  head  fust,  and  down 
through  the  shop  winder,  plum  between  a  monstrous 
big  chunk  of  red-hot  iron  and  a  trap-hammer  that  was 
poundin'  ontew  it  at  the  rate  of  ten  clips  to  the  second. 
And  I  didn't  scorch  a  hair  nor  raise  a  single  black  and 
klue  spot  on  me  nuther. 

"  The  plaguey  hammer  cum  down  so  clus  behind, 
though,  that  it  tuck  off  about  six  inches  of  my  right 
coat-tail  pocket. 

"  But  I  didn't  keer  much  for  that.  It  wus  an  old 
coat,  and  there  wus  nothin'  but  a  plug  of  terbacker  in 
the  pocket. 

"I  paid  for  the  winder  I  split  and  thought  that  wus 
the  eend  on't.  But  it  warn't.  Three  days  afterward, 
that  mean,  stingy  company  was  small  enough  tew  send 
me  another  bill  for  jest  six  cents. 

'  They  had  found  a  flaw  in  the  chunk  of  iron,  where 
the  plug  of  terbacker  and  piece  of  coat  tail  had  got 
stamped  in,  and  they  wanted  some  damages  on  that, 
tew." 

A  citizen  of  Cedar  Falls,  Iowa,  had  such  faith  in  a 
chemical  fire-engine  that  he  set  fire  to  a  house  just  for 
the  fun  of  putting  it  out.  He  charged  on  the  fire  with 
his  machine,  when  it  refused  to  squirt,  and  the  house 
went  right  on  burning  and  wouldn't  wait.  You  can 
buy  that  engine  for  fifty  cents  on  a  dollar.  Perhaps 
that  man  ain't  sick.  He  writes  us  that  he  has  bought 
a  hen  and  will  attend  to  legitimate  business  hereafter. 

A  new  beauty  in  kerosene  has  just  been  discovered 
in  Boston.  A  man  there  caught  a  rat  the  other 
day  and  after  soaking  him  nicely  with  the  article  and 
setting  it  gently  on  fire,  he  let  him  go  among  his 
companions,  as  a  sort  of  a  hint  of  what  was  in  store 
for  them  if  they  did  not  vamoose  his  shebang.  He 
says  it  occurred  to  him  what  a  mistake  he  had  made 
the  moment  he  saw  the  flames  coming  up  through  the 
floor. 


"411-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  25 

The   Question. 

"Julius  what's  de  worst  feeling  you  ever  'sperienced  1" 

"Mortification." 

"At  what  time  did  that  happen?" 

"  When  I  popped  de  question  to  a  gal  and  she  said 
No." 

A  rich  scene  was  witnessed  in  the  gentleman's  cabin 
of  a  Jersey  City  ferry-boat  the  other  morning.  A 
boy  about  thirteen  years  old  sat  quietly  smoking  a 
cigar,  enjoying  the  weed  with  the  air  of  a  veteran. 
He  held  a  large  bundle  across  his  arm,  one  end  resting 
on  the  floor.  The  cabin  was  crowded.  A  gentleman 
who  sat  next  to  the  urchin  was  apparently  very  much 
annoyed  by  the  careless  manner  in  which  the  upper 
end  of  the  bundle  was  continually  thrust  under  his 
nose.  He  called  the  attention  of  the  boy  to  the  fact 
two  or  three  times,  and  at  last,  losing  all  patience,  ex- 
claimed in  a  loud  tone  : 

"  What  m  thunder  have  you  got  in  that  infernal 
bundle?" 

Coolly  taking  the  cigar  out  of  his  mouth  and  holding 
it  at  an  elevation  which  brought  the  lighted  extremity 
directly  under  and  within  an  inch  of  the  bundle,  here- 
plied  with  the  utmost  nonchalance: 

"Skyrocket—!" 

The  curious  gentleman  gave  one  look  at  the  fellow, 
and  springing;  hastily  from  his  seat,  shouting.  "  We 
shall  all  be  blowed  up  !"  beat  a  precipitate  retreat  to 
the  deck. 

With  a  sly  wink  Young  America  turned  to  the  other 
passengers  in  the  vicinity,  who  were  in  a  state  of  con- 
sternation, and  observed  quietly  : 

"  Skyrocket-sticks :  the  old  cove  got  a  scare  for 
nothing."  . 

The  laugh  that  followed  convinced  the  "  old  cove," 
who  was  looking  for  the  anticipated  explosion  at  a  safe 
distance  from  the  cabin  door,  that  he  had  been  sold. 

Why  is  a  nail-post  in  the  wall  like  an  old  man  ? 
Because  its  in-firm  ? 


26  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Definitions. 

"Sass  fur  de  goose  is  sass  fur  de  gander." — De 
culinary  adornments  which  suffice  fur  de  female  ob  de 
race  anser,  kin  be  relished  also  wid  de  masculine  adult 
ob  de  same  species. 

"  Let  well  'nuff  alone." — Suffer  a  healthy  sufficiency 
to  remain  by  itself. 

"  It's  an  ill  wind  dat  blows  nobody  any  good."     Dafc 
gale  is  truly  diseased  dat  puffeth  benefaction  to  nonen- 
"ity. 

"  A  stitch  in  time  sabes  nine." — De  fust  impression 
ob  a  needle  on  a  rent  obviateth  a  nine-fold  introduc 
tion. 

Speaking  of  the  young  men  of  Washington,  a  lady 
who  knows  whereof  she  speaks,  says  : 

"  You  don't  know  half.  The  youths  you  noticed  are 
the  society  men  here,  and  are  used  by  the  mothers  and 
daughters  as  so  many  conveniences.  Do  you  know 
that  when  acting  as  escort  to  the  opera,  for  example, 
they  are  furnishing  these  beaux  not  only  with  tickets, 
but  carriages  ?  They  are  put  to  no  expense  save  for 
gloves  and  neckties.  After  a  while  these  even  will  be 
furnished  the  harmless  innocents.  The  mother,  for 
example,  addresses  the  following  note  to  the  proposed 
escort : 

" '  My  dear  Mr.  Lillypup  : 

" '  We  find  ourselves  in  possession  of  a  box  at  the 
opera  to-night,  but  Mr.  Ball  is  so  busy  he  can  not  spare 
time  for  such  a  luxury.  May  we  count  on  you  to 
escort  us  ? 

" '  Yours  sincerely,'  etc. 

"  And  now  when  one  of  these  properties  of  society 
invites  a  lady  to  a  reception,  ball,  or  party,  he  is  ex- 
pected to  meet  her  at  the  dressing-room,  and  afterwards 
help  her  to  her  carriage.  The  young  man  is  run  on 
the  most  economical  principles." 

We  are  glad  to  hear  this.  Let  them  be  made  use- 
ful, for  many  of  them  are  government  officials,  and 
should  be  made  to  do  something. 


"4-11-44"  JOKF  BOOK.  a» 

Two  Amiable  Neighbors. 

A  French  paper  tells  the  following  good  story  ;  Th« 
bedchambers  of  two  wealthy  gentlemen,  who  belong  to 
different  social  circles,  are  adjacent,  and  as  is  usual  now- 
a-days,  thin  partititions  divide  them.  One  spends  his 
nights  at  his  club-house,  never  returning  before  half- 
past  five  in  the  morning.  His  neighbor  rises  at  six 
and  sits  down  at  once  to  his  piano,  which  he  does  not 
quit  till  dinner.  The  former  complained  to  the  Commis- 
sary of  Police,  who  laughed  in  his  face,  and  told  him  to 
keep  better  hours.  As  he  had  a  lease  for  six  years  he 
could  not  change  his  apartment.  He  thought  of  send- 
ing  a  challenge  to  his  neighbor ;  his  neighbor  was 
paralyzed  in  the  lower  limbs.  He  had  his  wall  lined 
with  thick  hair  mattresses;  still  the  "sharps"  pene- 
trated into  his  room.  He  made  his  servants  play  the 
French  horn — his  neighbor  had  him  fined  by  the  police  ; 
the  French  horn  cannot  be  played  except  during  the 
jours  gras.  He  made  his  servants  take  a  hammer  and 
rap  against  the  wall — his  neighbor  waited  until  he  was 
tired,  and  then  began  to  play.  He  then  bought  a  hand- 
organ,  which  was  sadly  out  of  tune,  and  ordered  a  turn- 
spit which  would  turn  eight  days  without  being  wound 
up,  and  which  he  had  fitted  to  the  organ.  The  turn- 
spit was  put  in  motion,  after  it  and  the  organ  had  been 
placed  next  the  chamber  wall.  The  piano  player  bore 
the  organ  for  nineteen  hours  ;  at  the  end  of  that  time 
he  sent  a  letter  of  truce  ;  he  was  told  the  club  hunter 
had  gone  out  of  town,  and  wouldn't  be  back  for  a  week. 
The  pianist  sold  his  lease — the  organ  is  still  going. 

The  illicit  distilleries  of  Brooklyn  appear  to  be  doing 
a  thriving  business — brewing  trouble  for  their  proprie- 
tors and  the  revenue  collectors.  The  "  worm  "  of  the 
still  appears  to  be  bent  on  not  keeping  still,  or  at  least 
it  is  very  suggestive  of  the  worm  that  dieth  not  (if  our 
scripture  hasn't  wholly  gone  back  on  us).  It  seems 
utterly  impossible  to  instill  into  some  poison-maker*  a 
whole-some  regard  for  the  law,  and  the  only  way  left  for 
Uncle  Sam  is  to  "  worm  "  it  out  of  them. 


28  BRUDDER  HONES' 

Thafs  Whafs  the  Matte?. — A  steward  on  an  Ohio 
River  steamer  was  addressed  by  an  uneasy  and  excited 
individual,  who  wanted  him  to  put  somebody  off  the 
boat.  The  candidate  for  a  forcible  disembarkation  was 
pointed  out,  but  the  steward  could  see  nothing  out  of 
the  way.  "  You  don't,  eh  ?  Don't  you  see  a  man  sit- 
ting there  hugging  a  woman  ?"  "  Well,  yes,"  replied 
the  steward ;  "  but  what  of  that  ?  hasn't  a  fellow  a 
right  to  embrace  his  wife  ?"  "  That's  just  what  I  want 
to  run  him  out  for,"  replied  the  stranger,  dancing 
around ;  "  that's  my  wife,  and  I  have  stood  it  so  long 
that  I've  got  mad !" 

A  sharp  man  stopped  at  a  Boston  hotel  and  got  sup- 
per and  lodging,  agreeing  to  kill  all  the  rats  on  the 
premises  to  pay  for  his  entertainment.  In  the  morn- 
ing the  landlord  asked  him  to  go  in  and  kill  the  rats, 
when  the  guest  asked  for  an  ax.  after  obtaining  which, 
he  said  :  "  Fetch  on  your  rats,  Mr.  Landlord."  He 
hadn't  agreed  to  catch  the  rats,  don't  you  see?  Can't 
get  much  ahead  of  these  Bosting  chaps. 

An  enthusiastic  admirer  of  the  beauties  of  beautiful 
women  recently  startled  a  friend :  "  Been  to  church 
this  morning,  he  asserted.  "  To  church  ?"  "  Yes,  and 
such  necks  !  full  and  white,  and  good  enough  to  eat — 
six  of  them  all  in  a  row ;  watched  them  all  through 
service.  Oh,  my,  what  necks  !" 

In  Ohio  a  merchant  sent  a  dunning  letter  to  a  man, 
who  replied  by  return  mail .  "  You  say  you  are  hold- 
ing my  note  yet.  That  is  all  right — perfectly  right. 
Just  keep  holding  on  to  it,  and  if  you  find  your  hands 
slipping,  spit  on  them,  and  try  again.  Yours  affection- 
ately." 

Where  it  Came  From. — A  lady,  whose  fondness  for 
generous  living  had  given  her  a  flushed  face  and  rubi- 
cund nose,  consulted  Dr.  Cheyne.  Upon  surveying 
herself  in  the  glass,  she  exlaimed,  "  Where,  in  the  name 
of  wonder,  doctor,  did  I  get  such  a  nose  as  this  ?"  "  Out 
of  the  decanter,  madam,"  replied  the  doctor. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  29 

A  young  man  of  twelve  years,  in  an  Illinois  town, 
laid  a  train  of  powder  through  the  kitchen  and  touched 
it  off  to  have  some  fun  with  his  mother.  The  old  lady 
was  discovered  in  the  act  of  going  out  of  the  window, 
head  first.  The  second  scene  was  the  middle  of  the 
boy  and  the  old  lady's  shoe  "  playing  tag." 

Since  it  has  transpired  that  the  minister  Cooke  took 
the  girl  to  Philadelphia  and  left  her  alone  all  night, 
many  of  his  congregation  are  justly  indignant.  They 
say  that  was  no  way  to  use  a  girl,  and,  indeed,  they 
may  be  more  than  half  right. 

Brigham  Young  regrets  the  million  and  a  half  of 
women  that  are  "  wasted,"  as  he  terms  it,  in  this 
country,  by  being  unmarried.  It  is  sad,  and  he  so 
young  and  willing  with  his  saving  grace. 

Mr.  Big  says,  and  Big  knows,  that  the  position  of 
physician's  bill  collector  is  a  difficult  calling.  It  may 
not  require  any  great  ability,  but  there  is  no  employ- 
ment which  requires  constant  application. 

There  must  be  good  shooting  out  in  Utah.  A  friend 
of  ours  who  has  just  returned  from  there  says 
that  the  grasshoppers  are  so  large  and  so  numerous  out 
that  way,  that  they  have  eaten  up  every  thing  green, 
and  are  now  loafing  around  waiting  for  the  potatoes  to 
get  ripe  enough  to  dig.  How  is  that  for  insects'? 

Moses  says  he  wishes  he  could  hear  of  some  place 
where  people  never  die ;  he  would  go  and  end  his  days 
there.  Moses  is  the  same  eccentric  individual  who, 
attending  divine  service  in  a  church  where  the  people 
came  very  late  to  a  meeting,  observed  that  it  seemed 
to  be  the  fashion  there  "  for  nobody  to  go  to  meeting 
till  after  everybody  got  there." 

It  is  said  that  husbands  are  so  scarce  in  Massachu- 
setts that  the  girls  are  actually  taking  up  with  lawyers. 
What  became  of  those  Chinese  shoemakers  1  Are  they 
exhausted  ? 


30  BRUDDER  BONES' 

An  Iowa  John  lately  courted  and  engaged  to  marry 
a  young  girl,  who,  in  a  miff  at  some  neglect  on  John's 
part,  revenged  herself  by  marrying  Isaac,  John's 
father.  John  countered  by  marrying  the  mother  of 
his  recent  betrothed — John  becoming  the  step-father 
of  his  own  step-mother,  while  Isaac's  wife  was  com- 
pelled to  become  the  daughter-in-law  of  her  own  step- 
son. And  thus  John  became  his  own  grandfather  by 
brevet. 

A  chap  out  West,  who  had  been  severely  afflicted  with 
the  palpitation  of  the  heart,  says  he  found  instant  relief 
by  the  application  of  another  palpitating  heart.  An- 
other triumph  of  homeopathy.  "  Like  cures  like." 

An  Ohio  lady  seeks  a  divorce  on  the  ground  of  a 
want  of  tenderness  on  her  husband's  part.  He  ham- 
mered her  with  an  ax-helve  for  over  three-quarters  of 
an  hour,  and  then  triumphantly  inquired,  of  her,  "How 
is  that  for  high  ?" 

Music  Hath  Charms. — One  of  the  best  things  to  resist 
fatigue  with  is  music.  Girls  who  "  could  not  walk  a 
mile  to  save  their  lives,"  will  dance,  in  company  with 
a  knock-kneed  clarionet  and  superannuated  fiddle,  from 
tea-time  till  sunrise. 

Some  New  York  paper  started  a  sensation  story,  with 
no  truth  in  it,  about  a  new  species  of  bug  that  had 
been  discovered  in  the  street  cars,  with  horns  and 
things,  that  was  poisonous  as  a  rattlesnake,  and  now  a 
Philadelphia  paper  comes  out  and  claims  that  they 
have  had  them  all  the  time.  You  can't  get  ahead  of 
those  Quakers  much,  with  your  stories. 

A  friend  says  he  lately  cured  his  daughter  of  a  severe 
attack  of  the  Grecian  Bend  by  compelling  her  to  drink 
two  bottles!  of  mucilage  and  then  lashing  her  securely 
to  a  small  sapling.  He  says  that  the  only  trouble  was 
that  she  didn't  have  stiffening  enough  in  her  back  to 
keep  herself  perpendicular,  and  so  when  the  mucilage 
got  set  she  was  found  to  be  all  right. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  31 

It  was  reported  in  Williamsport,  Penn.,  among  the 
tlitc,  that  one  of  the  upper  ten  was  in  the  habit  of 
beating  his  wife,  and  a  committee  of  old  ladies  were 
deputed  to  wait  upon  her,  and  learn  the  facts  from  her 
own  lips.  They  did  so,  and  to  their  horror  learned 
that  he  was  in  the  habit  of  beating  her,  "  but,"  re- 
marked the  lady,  "  it  is  at  euchre  !"  The  committee 
mizzled. 

We  heard  a  Dutchman  the  other  evening  give  vent 
to  the  following  : 

"  Now,  every  poty  he  say  something  pout  me,  vat 
ish  my  country.  Now  vot  you  dink  I  ish  ?" 

"  Why,  you  are  an  American,  of  course ;  that  is 
plain ;"  said  his  auditor,  swallowing  the  remainder  of 
his  lager. 

"  Yah  !  yah  ?  yah  !  dat  ish  all  recht !  I  fools  more 
ash  a  hundred  beeples  dat  vay." 

A  rich  organ-grinder  has  just  died  in  San  Francisco 
who  has  left  a  large  fortune  to  his  monkey.  It  is  said 
that  the  dear  creature  has  become  a  great  favorite  with 
unmarried  women  in  that  region,  and  if  one  of  them 
should  marry  him  for  his  money  it  would  not  be  the 
first  case  on  record  where  a  woman  had  married  a 
monkey  from  money  considerations. 

A  widow  woman  at  Nashua,  Iowa,  who  allowed  her 
only  child  to  play  w-ith  a  six-shooter,  is  frequently 
heard  to  sing  "  Who  Will  Care  for  Mother  Now  1  They 
buried  him  at  eventide. 

Indiana  is  agitating-  the  question  of  revising  the  di- 
vorce laws,  so  as  to  make  divorces  harder  to  obtain. 
That  will  be  the  best  thing  they  can  do  to  get  rid  of 
surplus  population. 

Three  burglars  worked  twenty-four  hours  on  a  county 
safe  in  Wisconsin,  and  only  got  three  cents,  and  now 
they  have  presented  a  bill  against  the  county  for  obtain- 
ing labor  under  false  pretences. 


32  BRUDDER  BONES' 

At  a  wedding  at  Layfayette,  Ind.,  the  choir  sung 
"  Come,  ye  Disconsolate,"  The  bride  said  if  the  people 
would  wait  until  the  ceremony  was  over,  she  would  put 
a  mansard  roof  on  the  head  of  the  leader. 

"A  down-east"  Yankee  has  recently  invented  a  rat 
exterminator,  consisting  of  a  sort  of  powder  snuff. 
The  animal  jerks  his  head  off  at  the  third  sneeze  ! 

Two  friends,  some  years  married  and  widely  sepa- 
rated, lately  exchanged  telegrams  thus  :  "  To .  All 

well.     We  have  two  pair  of  twins.     How  is  that  for 

high  ?"     "To .     We  have  three  little  girls.     Three 

of  a  kind  beats  two  pair !" 

Query  by  an  outsider.  It  has  been  evident  for  a 
long  time  that  France  could  not  work  against  Prussia. 
Why  ?  Because  France  surrendered  her  only  Toul 
(tool). 

A  rich  Philadelphia  contractor,  in  a  severe  fit  of  the 
gout,  told  his  physician  he  suffered  the  pains  of  the 
damned.  The  doctor  coolly  answered,  "  What, 
already  !" 

A  paper  in  Wisconsin  says  that  the  Board  of 
Education  in  that  State  has  resolved  to  erect  a  building 
large  enough  to  accomodate  five  hundred  students  three 
stories  high. 

A  young  lady  in  Oshkosh  was  lately  presented  with 
an  elegant  card  case  from  one  of  her  admirers.  A 
few  days  afterward,  while  showing  it  to  a  lady  friend, 
she  remarked  that  "  she  wished  he  had  given  her  a 
larger  one.  This  little  thing  won't  hold  more  than 
half  a  deck." 

A  Kansas  lady,  on  retiring  to  her  room,  found  it 
literally  filled  with  martins,  which  had  flown  in  during 
her  absence.  Instead  of  turning  them  out  into  the 
cold,  the  kind  hearted  lady  captured  nearly  all  the  little 
creatures  and  had  them  served  up  the  next  day  in  a 
pot  pie. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  85 

Lot  of  Conundrums. 

Why  will  the  monsters  of  the  deep  be  better  pofcted 
than  the  cable  operators  ? 

Because  they  nose  the  news  before  it  reaches  either 
side. 

Why  are  sheep  the  most  dissipated  and  unfortunate 
of  animals  ? 

Because  they  gambol  in  their  youth,  frequent  th«  turf 
and  are  always  fleeced. 

Why  is  a  hen  on  a  fence  like  a  cent  ? 

Because  there's  a  head  on  one  side  and  a  tail  or  the 
other. 

Why  is  a  dandy  like  a  venison  steak  ? 

Because  he  is  a  bit  of  a  buck. 

Why  is  a  philanthropist  like  a  good  horse  ? 
Because  he  always  stops  at  the  word  woe  (whoa) 

Why  are  ladies  like  bells? 

Because  you  can  never  find  out  their  metal  until  you 
have  given  them  a  ring. 

Why  is  a  precarious  bank  note  like  an  impenitef*. 
sinner  ? 

Because  it  don't  know  that  its  <  redeemer'  liveth  " 
Why  is  General  Scott  like  a  stack  of  wheat  ? 
Because  he  was  never  thrashed. 
Why  is  a  street-door  like  a  barrel  of  Whisky? 
Because  it  is  frequently  tapped. 
Why  is  justice  like  a  shad? 
Because  she  carries  scales. 
Why  is  a  certain  game  of  cards  like  economy  1 
Because  its  seven  up  (savin1  up.) 
Why  does  a  horse  never  starve  in  harness  ? 
Because  he  always  has  a  bit  in  his  mouth. 
Why  are  inn-keeper's  wives  like  Generals? 
Because  they  are  rulers  of  hosts. 
When  is  a  door  more  than  a  door? 
When  it  is  to  (two.) 

Why  is  the  medical  profession  the  most  tedious? 
other™        ^  requires  more  PatieQCe  (patients}  than  any 


84  BRUDDER  BONES' 

"  I  travel  on  my  good  looks,"  said  a  young  lady  of 
the  period.  "Then  you  will  never  be  found  far  from 
home,"  replied  a  rejected  lover. 

"  I  am  going  to  the  post-office,  John  ;  shall  I  inquire 
for  you "?"  "  Well,  yes,  if  you  have  a  mind  to,  but  I 
don't  think  you  will  find  me  there." 

An  old  lady  in  Indiana  keeps  a  flock  of  seventy  or 
eighty  ganders,  whose  soft  warblings  and  plumage  are 
her  delight.  What  a  goose  she  must  be. 

We  understand  that  the  postage  on  papers  is  reduced 
to  one  cent.  Well,  of  course,  there  will  be  two  sent 
where  there  is  one -sent  now,  and  so  that  will  make  it 
even. 

An  urchin  being  sent  for  five  cents'  worth  of  macca- 
boy  snuff,  forgot  the  name  of  the  article,  and  asked  for 
five  cents'  worth  of  make-a-boy  sneeze. 

"  The  man  who  raised  a  cabbage-head  has  done  more 
good  than  all  the  metaphysicians,"  said  a  stump  orator 
at  a  meeting.  "Then,"  said  a  wag,  "your  mother 
ought  to  have  taken  the  premium." 

"O,  mother,"  said   a   very  little  child,  "Mr.  S 

does  love  aunt  Lucy — he  sits  by  her,  he  whispers  to 
her,  and  he  hugs  her."  "  Why,  Edward,  your  aunt 
does  not  suffer  that,  does  she?"  "Suffer  it!  yes, 
mother — she  loves  it." 

Things  are  pretty  evenly  divided,  after  all.  The 
poor  man  has  no  money,  while  the  rich  man  has  no 
appetite.  The  former  lives  in  dread  of  the  alms-house, 
and  the  latter  of  dyspepsia  and  white  pine  padding. 
Who's  ahead  ? 

A  young  man  at  La  Crosse,  Wis.,  looked  through 
the  key-hole  of  a  girls  bed-room,  and  ever  since  the 
doctors  have  been  trying  to  get  a  knitting-needle  out 
of  the  place  where  his  north  eye  used  to  be. 

Derivation  of  Buss. — Buss— to  kiss.  Rebuss — to 
kiss  again.  Blunderbuss — two  girls,  kissing  each  other. 
Omnibus— to  kiss  all  the  girls  in  the  room. 


"4-1144"  JOKE  BOOK.  86 

Philosophy  says  that  shutting  the  eyes  makes  the 
sense  of  hearing  more  acute.  A  wag  suggests  that  this 
accounts  for  the  many  closed  eyes  which  are  seen  in 
our  churches  every  Sunday. 

Pontiac  lawyers  of  the  earlier  class  were  not  usually 
caught  napping,  and  were  proverbially  full  of  expedi- 
ents. One  of  the  sharpest  of  these  found  himself 
cornered  before  a  justice  one  day,  and  was  forced  to 
recite  a  repealed  act. 

His  opponent  was  on  his  track,  and  read  the  repeal- 
ing act. 

"  I  knew  very  well,"  said  the  exhibitor  of  the  read 
law,  "  that  the  letter  of  this  law  had  been  repealed,  but 
I  insist,  if  the  Court  please,  that  the  spirit  remains." 

The  Court  thought  so,  too,  and  gave  judgment 
accordingly. 

A  milkman  accounted  for  the  thinness  of  his  milk  by 
saying  that  the  cows  got  caught  in  the  rain. 

Henry  Clay  used  to  say  that  there  were  three  classes 
of  persons  with  whom  it  was  never  safe  to  quarrel. 

"  First,  ministers — for  the  reason  they  had  pulpits 
from  which  they  could  denounce  me,  and  I  had  none 
from  which  to  reply. 

"Secondly,  editors — for  they  had  the  most  powerful 
engines,  from  which  they  could  every  day  hurl  wrath 
and  fury  upon  me,  and  I  had  none  through  which  to 
reply. 

"  And  finally,  with  women — for  they  would  have  the 
last  word  anyhow." 

Receipt  for  finding  a  husband — More  common  sensa 
and  less  wit. 

More  useful  occupation,  and  less  music. 

More  study  of  the  mysteries  of  the  kitchen,  and  less 
of  the  mysteries  of  Paris. 

More  proof  to  men  that  they  will  find  in  their  wife  a 
helpmate,  and  not  embarrassment. 

This  receipt,  if  thoroughly  tried,  will  greatly  lessen 
the  number  of  bachelors. 


36  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Old  lady  to  a  hackman — "But  these  hacks  are 
dangerous.  You  never  know  who  rides  in  them.  We 
might  get  the  small  pox." 

Coachee — "  You've  no  cause  to  be  afeard  of  my  coach, 
mum,  for  I've  had  the  hind  wheel  waccinated,  and  it 
took  beautiful." 

An  Irish  magistrate,  censuring  some  boys  for  loiter- 
ing in  the  street,  argued,  "  If  everybody  were  to  stand 
in  the  street,  how  could  anybody  get  by  ?" 

A  poor  man,  who  was  ill,  being  asked  by  a  gentle- 
man whether  he  had  taken  any  remedy,  replied : 

"  No,  I  aint  taken  any  remedy,  but  I've  takt\i  lots  of 
physic." 

Rowland  Hill  was  in  the  habit  of  taking  nearly  every- 
thing he  saw  or  heard  into  the  pulpit,  and  using  it  in 
his  sermons.  "When  preaching  on  the  government  of 
the  temper,  he  said  : 

"  I  once  too»c  tea  with  an  old  lady,  who  was  very 
particular  about  her  china.  The  servant,  unfortunately, 
broke  the  best  bread-and-butter  plate  ;  but  her  mistress 
took  very  little  notice  or  the  circumstance  at  the  time, 
only  remarking  : 

"  '  Never  mind,  Mary  ;  accidents  cannot  be  avoided. 

"  '  My  word,  but  I  shail  have  it  by-and-by,'  said  the 
girl,  when  she  got  out  of  the  room. 

"  And  so  it  turned  out.  The  old  lady's  temper  was 
corked  up  for  a  season,  but  it  came  out  with  a  terrible 
vengeance  when  the  company  had  retired." 

A  celebrated  divine,  who  prided  himself  upon  the 
originality  of  his  sermons,  was  once  told,  jocularly,  that 
a  sermon  he  had  preached  was,  excellent. 

"  But,"  said  the  wag  who  told  him,  "  I  had  previous- 
ly read  every  word  of  it  in  a  book  I  have  at  home." 

The  astonished  clergyman  begged  for  a  sight  of  the 
Volume. 

"  Oh,  I  have  no  doubt  you  have  the  same  book  in 
your  library  ;  it  is  '  Webster's  Dictionary  '!" 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  87 

A  Mistaken  Goose. — A  Western  paper  tells  the  fol- 
lowing story  respecting  a  gallant  widower  who  resides 
at  Holly  Springs,  Mississippi,  and  who,  it  was  said,  had 
been  casting  the  sheep's  eye  of  affection  at  a  certain 
amiable  "  vidder  "  in  the  neighborhood,  although  others 
thought  his  visits  were  covertly  paid  to  the  "  vidder's 
darters."  Be  this  how  it  may,  one  evening  he  called 
as  usual,  and  found  the  family  party  hard  to  work  upon 
some  garments  of  cloth.  The  girls  were  sewing,  and 
the  widow  was  pressing  the  seams.  The  widower 
"  hung  up  his  hat,"  and,  as  usual,  took  his  seat  by  the 
fire;  just  at  that  moment  it  happened  that  the  widow 
had  done  with  the  pressing  iron  (vulgo  tailor's  goose ;) 
she  set  it  down  on  the  hearth,  and  called  to  her  negro 
man  in  a  loud  voice — "  Jake !  Jake !  come  and  take 
out  this  goose  !" 

The  widower  started  up  in  astonishment,  not  knowing 
what  to  make  of  this  abrupt  order. 

"Jake,  do  you  hear1?" again  exclaimed  the  widow. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mrs.  M.,"  said  the  widower, 
with  visible  agitation,  "  but  pray  don't  call  Jake — if 
you  wish  me  to  leave  your  house  I  will  go  at  once  with- 
out the  interference  of  servants."  The  ladies  roareci 
with  laughter,  and  it  took  some  moments  to  explain  to 
the  chagrined  widower  his  mistake.  He  has  not  bee* 
known  to  visit  the  widow  M.  since  that  raemorabU 
night. 

A  Sweet  Boy. — A  little  boy  hearing  his  father  say. 
"There  is  a  time  for  all  things,"  climbed  up  behind  his 
mother's  chair,  and  whispering  in  her  ear,  asked, "  When 
was  the  proper  time  for  hooking  sugar  out  of  the  sugai 
bowl." 

Windy. — Sentimental  Young  Lady. — "  Pray,  Mr, 
Charles,  how  is  the  wind  ?" 

Embarrassed  Young  Gentleman.  —  "  Pretty  well 
thank  you,  ma'am." 

Keep  your  countenance  open  and  your  thoughts  shut 


88  BRUDDER  BONES' 

We  believe  it  is  rare  that  an  editor  indulges  in  a 
drop,  but  when  they  do,  their  readers  are  sure  to  find 
it  out.  A  contemporary  was  called  upon  to  record  a 
"  melancholy  event"  at  a  time  when  his  head  was  rather 
heavy,  and  did  it  after  the  following  manner : 

"  Yesterday  morning,  at  four  o'clock  p.  M.,  a  man 
with  a  heel  in  the  hole  of  his  stocking,  committed  ar- 
senic by  swallowing  suicide.  The  inquest  of  the  verdict 
returned  a  jury  that  the  deceased  came  to  the  facts  in 
accordance  with  his  death.  He  leaves  a  child  and  six 
small  wives  to  lament  the  end  of  his  untimely  loss. 
In  death  we  are  in  the  midst  of  life." 

Here  is  a  bona-fide  incident  which  transpired  in  town 
lately  : 

A  colored  woman,  one  of  the  converts  during  the 
recent  revival,  had  an  altercation  with  a  sable  youth 
employed  in  the  same  house,  and  was  interrupted  in 
her  lively  tirade  by  the  mistress,  who  remarked  upon 
the  impropriety  of  such  conduct  in  one  who  had  been 
hopefully  converted.  Whereupon  the  sable  empress 
retorted  : 

"  I  have  'sperienced  religion,  an'  I'se  gwine  to  jine 
the  church,  an  be  one  ob  de  Lord's  own  lambs,  but 
'fore  God,  Miss  B ,  I'll  scald  that  nigger  furst !" 

Why  should  female  brokers  alone  be  allowed  in 
Wall  street  ?  Because  Sing-Sing  is  the  proper  place 
for  male-factors. 

A  Boston  lecturer  astonished  his  audience  by  bring- 
ing down  his  fist  on  the  table  and  shouting.  "  Where 
is  the  religiosity  of  the  anthropoid  quadrumana?"  If 
he  thinks  we  have  got  it  he  can  search  us.  We  never 
saw  it  in  the  world. 

A  Vermont  man  has  been  arrested  for  killing  his 
mother-in-law,  supposing  her  to  be  a  wild  turkey. 
Phat;s  too  thin.  He  knew  she  wasn't  a  turkey  all  the 
time.  This  outlandish  way  of  putting  a  stop  to  mothers- 
in-law  has  got  to  be  stopped,  or  the  country  will  suffer. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK,  39 

The  Rev.  Mr.  O — ,  a  respectable  clergyman,  in  the 
interior  of  the  State,  relates  the  following  anecdote : 

A  couple  came  to  him  to  be  married.  After  the  knot 
was  tied,  the  bridegroom  addressed  him  with — 

;<  How  much  do  you  ax,  mister  ?" 

<  Why,"  replied  the  clergyman.  "I generally  take 
what  is  offered  me.  Sometimes  more  and  sometimes 
less.  I  leave  it  to  the  bridegroom." 

"  Yes — but  how  much  do  you  ax,  I  say  ?"  replied 
the  happy  man. 

"I  have  just  said,"  returned  the  clergyman,  "that  I 
left  it  to  the  decision  of  the  bridegroom.  Some  give 
me  ten  dollars,  some  five,  some  three,  some  two,  some 
one,  and  some  only  a  quarter  of  a  dollar." 

"  A  quarter,  eh  ?"  said  the  bridgegroom  ;  "  well, 
that's  as  reasonable  as  a  body  could  ax."  He  took 
out  his  pocket-book — there  was  no  money  there  •  he 
fumbled  in  all  his  pockets,  but  not  a  dime  could  he  find. 
"I  thought  I  had  some  money  with  me;  but  I  re- 
collect now,  'twas  in  my  other  trowsers-pocket.  Hatty, 
have  you  got  such  a  thing  as  a  quarter  about  ye  ?" 

'  Me,"  said  the  bride,  with  a  mixture  of  shame  and 
indignation.  "  I'm  astonished  at  ye,  to  come  here  to  be 
married  without  a  cent  to  pay  for  it !  If  I'd  knowed  it 
afore,  I  wouldn't  a  come  a  step  with  ye  ;  ye  might 
have  gone  off  alone  to  be  married  for  all  I  care." 

•'  Yes,  but  consider,  Hatty,"  said  the  bridegroom,  in 
a  soothing  tone,  "  we  are  married  now,  and  it  can't  be 
helped — if  you  have  got  such  a  thing  as  a  quarter 
of  a  dollar—" 

"  Hare,  take  it,"  interrupted  the  angry  bride,  who, 
during  the  speech,  had  been  searching  in  her  work-bag , 
"  and  don't  you,"  said  she,  with  a  significant  motion 
of  her  finger—"  don't  you  serve  me  another  sich  trick  !" 

Lord  Fanshaw  married  his  cook.  On  their  bridal-day 
it  rained  tremendously;  the  coachman  and  his  attendant 
sprites  were  wet  through. 

'  Ah  !"  said  a  wag,  "all  quite  in  character— there's 
nothing  but  dripping  wherever  she  goes." 


iO  BRUDDER  BONES' 

A  Cincinnatti  girl  sued  a  shoemaker  because  she 
couldn't  get  inside  of  a  pair  of  shoes  he  made  for  her. 
He  set  up  a  plea  that  leather  was  scarce,  and  charged 
that  she  could  have  got  them  on  easy  enough  if  she  had 
washed  her  feet.  We  don't  usually  publish  "  society 
items  "  in  this  column,  but  this  is  a  subject  that 
will  interest  all  classes. 

A  Milwaukee  woman,  who  had  a  child  eaten  by  a 
hog,  objected  to  having  an  officer  kill  the  hog,  as  she 
had  suffered  bereavement  enough  for  one  mother.  She 
promised  to  either  keep  the  hog  in  a  pen  or  keep  the 
rest  of  her  children  in  the  house,  so  the  hog  was  spared 
for  family  pork. 

Notwithstanding  the  offers  Chang  and  Eng  hare  had 
to  travel  separate  with  rival  shows,  they  have  always 
stuck  together,  and  have  accumulated  $200,000  worth 
of  land  and  children.  The  story  that  they  were  not 
brothers,  but  cousins,  is  a  base  fabrication. 

A  Chicago  mother  left  a  six-months  old  baby  in  a 
crib,  with  a  nursing  bottle  in  its  mouth,  while  she  went 
to  the  court-house  to  see  when  that  divorce  suit  was 
coming  on.  When  she  returned  the  child  was  dead, 
smothered  with  milk.  She  said  she  had  often  warned 
the  baby  to  be  careful  about  drinking  too  much. 

"  You  flatter  me,"  said  a  thin  exquisite  the  other  day 
to  a  young  lady,  who  was  praising  the  beauty  of  his 
moustache. 

"For  gracious  sake,  madam,"  interposed  an  old 
skipper,  "  don't  make  that  monkey  any  flatter  than  he 


is  now." 


Judge  B ,  long  a  side  judge  under  the  "epaulet" 

system,  when  the  real  judge  was  flanked  on  each  side 
by  a  man  who  was  no  lawyer,  was  asked  if  Judge 
Morrel  ever  consulted  him  in  respect  to  any  question. 

"  Yes,"  growled  the  old  gentleman.  "  On  the  ninth 
day  of  Macdonald's  trial  for  murder  he  asked  me  if 
my  bones  didn't  ache." 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  41 

Taking  it  Easy. 

"  Julius,  what  is  the  matter  with  the  man  ?" 

"Sam,  he's  dead,  he  is." 

"  But  haul  him  out  of  that  pit." 

"  Yes,  sir,  but  if  you'd  a  hearn  him  holler !    It  made 


me  run.'1 


"  Why,  how  made  you  run?" 

"  Why,  I  thort  as  how  it  come  from  de  bottom  of  de 
pit !" 

"  Here,  you  thick  skull !  haul  him  out." 

[Meditative.']  "  Too  bad,  too  bad.  Double  work, 
first  put  him  in,  now  pull  him  out.  No,  I'll  let  him 


rusticate" 


Flattering  Preference. — Two  natives  of  the  Mar- 
quesas Islands  have  been  carried  to  France.  The  story 
runs,  that  on  the  voyage  one  of  their  fellow-passengers, 
fishing  for  a  compliment,  asked  them  which  they  liked 
best,  the  French  or  English  ?  "  The  English,"  answered 
the  man,  smacking  his  lips,  "  they  are  the  fattest." 
"  And  a  great  deal  more  tender,"  chimed  in  the  woman, 
with  a  grin  that  exhibited  two  rows  of  pointed  teeth  as 
sharp  as  a  crocodile's. 

The  Model  Husband. — Mrs.  Smith  has  company  to 
dinner,  and  there  are  not  strawberries  enough,  and  as 
she  looks  at  Mr.  Smith  with  a  sweet  smile,  and  offers 
to  help  him,  (at  the  same  time  kicking  him  gently  with 
her  slipper  under  the  table,)  he  always  replies,  "  No, 
1  thank  you,  dear,  they  don't  agree  with  me." 

A  Pennsylvania  farmer  had  a  warm  time  a  few  days 
since.  He  fainted  away  in  his  barn-yard,  and  his  hogs 
took  a  lunch  off  of  him,  and  he  now  carries  both  legs 
in  a  sling. 

Some  of  these  old  editors  who  are  near-sighted  are 
trying  to  make  the  ladies  believe  that  wearing  low- 
necked  dresses  produces  sore  throat.  It's  all  a  con- 
founded humbug,  got  up  by  the  old  buzzards  who  can't 
see. 


42  BRUDDER  BONES' 

A  minister  of  a  dry  persuasion,  at  Lafayette,  Ind. 
denounces  the  eating  of  oysters  as  a  sin.  That  brother 
never  could  have  said  such  a  thing  had  he  ever  par- 
taken ot  a  Fulton-market  fry  of  the  saddle-rock  gender. 
If  eating  these  bivalve  luxuries  be  a  sin  we  stand  ready 
to  bet  two  to  one  that  it  was  an  oyster  on  the  half 
shell  that  the  "sarpint"  tempted  mother  Eve  with, 
instead  of  an  apple.  By-and-by  these  men  of  rectitude 
will  pronounce  it  a  sin  to  worry  a  lobster  out  of  its 
eheli,  or  to  kiss  your  sweetheart. 

The  following  crimes  and  offences  may  be  committed 
•without  impunity  and  without  fear  of  consequences  : 

Killing — time. 
Murdering — in  air. 
Smothering — the  feelings. 
Stifling — a  laugh. 
Striking — a  balance. 
Forging — anchors. 
Picking — your  way. 
Stealing — a  kiss. 
Coining — money. 
Poaching — eggs. 
Breaking  into — a  gallop. 
Trespassing — on  the  attention. 
Beating— carpets. 
Cutting — jokes,  and 
Shooting — Niagara. 

A  colored  member  of  the  Georgia  Legislature  was 
killed  by  the  door-keeper,  and  the  Legislature  decided 
to  pay  his  salary  to  his  widow,  when  six  emphatic 
brunettes  claimed  the  money.  How  these  people  do 
imitate  white  legislators. 

A  man  in  Buffalo  pulled  off  his  coat  and  jumped  into 
the  canal  to  save  a  woman  from  drowning,  when  a  pick- 
pocket stole  his  pocket-book  from  the  coat,  and  the 
woman  swore  at  him  for  pulling  her  hair  in  his  efforts 
to  save  her  life.  Buffalo  isn't  much  of  a  place  to  en- 
courage heroism  and  self-sacrifice. 


"4-11-44'    JOKE  BOOK.  43 

Mathematics. 

"  Sam,  I  suppose  dat  you've  bin  to  school  and  read 
all  froo  your  'rithmatic?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I've  studied  that  branch  of  education." 

"  Well,  now,  suppose  dat  a  turkey  weighed  twelve 
pounds  six  ounces  and  he  cost  a  quarter  ob  a  dollar 
compound.  How  many  apple  pie  pans  will  it  take  fur 
to  shingle  a  school-house  ?" 

"  1  cannot  really  answer  your  problem." 

"  I  can  tell  you." 
.  "  How  many  pans  will  you  require?' 

"  Listen  now.  Ighsombromken  wid  de  icks  mock- 
combrusken  und  der  alicotrusic  mit  daa  brumstic  id  de 
hocks  mocks  com  trusic  mid  der  Switzer  kease. 
Don't  you  see?" 

Love. 

:<Sam,  was  you  eber  in  lub?" 

"  No,  Julius  ;  you  have  been,  I  understand." 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  How  did  you  feel  ?' 

"  Why,  I  felt  jist  as  if  I  was  a  big  tunnel,  and  a  train 
ob  cars  was  comin  in  at  both  ends." 

Wanted  to  Patent. — The  filter  of  misfortune,  to  sepe- 
rnte  true  friends  from  de  scum. 

A  Waterbury  (Conn.)  youth,  repentant  but  incohe- 
rent over  his  dissipation,  signed  the  following  pledge : 
I  solemnly  promise  to  abstain  from  the  use  of  all  in- 
toxicating beverages,  otherwise  than  as  a  drink,  and 
profanity,  unless  prescribed  by  a  physician,  at  least 
four  times  a  day,  excepting  cider." 

There  is  a  young  lady  in  Glasgow  who  plays  the  con- 
certina so  well  as  to  make  ignorant  people  believe  that 
it  is  a  musical  instrument. 

Nothing  to  Take. — Hood  was  the  parent  of  that  un- 
conscious remark  of  the  child  of  a  drunkard,  who  was 
said  to  take  after  his  father.  "  Ah,  father  leaves  noth- 
ing afterward  to  take." 


44  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Good  Gramarian. 

"  Did  you  ever  go  to  school,  sir?" 

"  Oh  yes,  Massa." 

"  Then  I  suppose  you  studied  Grammar  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  did,  and  I'm  some  on  Grammar,  I  am." 

"  Then  I'll  ask  you  a  question." 

«  Go  it." 

"  Parse  the  word  '  Butter.' ' 

"  Dat's  kind  ob  slickery,  but  I  can  do  it." 

"  Proceed,  then." 

"  Butter  am  a  common  substantif,  male  gender,  and 
agrees  wid  buckwheat  cakes,  is  governed  by  sugar, 
molasses  bein'  understood." 

The  Weather  no  Joke. — An  excited  Editor's  Opinion 
of  a  Hot  Day. — "  Yesterday  was  hot.  Fat  women  felt 
fussy,  and  fanned  furiously.  Lean  women  leaned  lan- 
guidly on  lounges,  or  lolled  lazily  like  lilies  on  a  lake. 
Shabby,  slipshod  sisters  sat  silently  and  sadly  sweating 
in  the  shade,  while  soiled  and  sozzling  shirt-collars  and 
sticky  shirts,  stuck  to  such  sap-heads  as  stirred  in  the 
sun.  Babies  bawled  busily,  and  bit  bobbins  and  bod- 
kins till  bed  time.  Literary  gentlemen  who  undertook 
a  heavy  task  of  alliteration  became  exhausted  in  the 
middle  of  a  weather  paragraph,  and  gave  it  up  for  a 
cooler  day.  Yesterday  was  hot." 

The  Deluge. — A  Scotchman  and  an  Englishman  were 
once  disputing  about  the  ancient  origin  of  their  respec- 
tive families.  The  Englishman,  getting  out  of  patience, 
exclaimed,  "  Pooh !  my  friend,  you'll  tell  me  next  that 
your  ancestors  were  in  the  ark  with  Noah."  "  I've  no 
preceece  evedence  o'  the  fac,"  replied  the  Scotchman ; 
"  but  I've  a  shrewd  conjecture  that  they  were."  "  Very 
well,"  replied  the  Englishman,  "  all  that  may  be  possi 
ble,  but  to  show  you  the  immense  superiority  of  my 
family  at  that  time,  I  would  inform  you  that  they  had 
&  boat  of  their  own." 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK. 

What's  What. 
"  Julius,   what  is  de  difference   between    dyin'   an 

dieting?" 

"  Why,  when  you  diet  you  expect  it  to  take  de  color, 
and  when  you  die  you — do  the  same  ting." 
"  No,  Julius,  I  don't  mean  dat." 
"  What  you  mean  den  ?" 
"  I  mean  die  to  be  dead,  and  diet  to  abstain  from  high 

libbin'." 

«  Oh,  ho !  Dat's  it,  is  it  ?  Why,  when  you  lib  you 
don't  die,  an  \v^en  you  lib  too  high  you  are  in  danger 
ob  dyin  de  oder  way." 

"  Still  you  don't  understand  me.  I  mean  to  die,  to 
gib  up  de  ghost." 

"  Whose  ghost  ?  Oh !  stop  a-hittin  me  on  de  shins, 
you  black  nigger.  Golly  !  I  feel  like  dyin'." 

"Then  what  is  de  difference1?" 

"  I  habn't  dieted  yet,  and  don't  intend  to,  so  I  can  t 
tell.  Go  'way." 

In  a  parlimentary  committee  for  a  new  railway,  it 
was  necessary  to  prove  populousness  in  a  certain  val- 
ley. The  following  questions  and  answers  passed  in 

the  process. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  the  committee,  said  counsel 
for  the  opponents  of  the  new  line,  "  that  you  ever  saw 
an  inhabited  house  in  that  valley  ?" 

"  Yes,  I  do,"  replied  the  witness. 

"  Did  you  ever  see  a  vehicle  there  in  all  your  life  7" 

«  Yes,  I  did." 

Some  other  questions  were  put,  which  led  to  nothing 
particular  ;  but  just  as  the  witness  was  leaving  the  box, 
the  learned  gentleman  put  one  more  question. 

"  I  am  instructed  to  ask  you  if  the  vehicle  you  saw 
was  not  the  hearsb  of  the  last  inhabitant  T 

"  It  was." 

"What  flower  of  beauty  shall  I  marry  ?"  asked  a  young 
spendthrift  of  his  miserly  governor.  To  which  the 
governor  replied,  with  a  smile,  "  Marigold." 


4(1  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Western  Serenade. 

Clown. — Massa,  I've    trabeld    ober  de  great  West. 
Master. — Then  you've  been  West.     In  what  state  ? 
0. — Arkansaw,  where  ebery  house  is  a  Jog  cabin  ; 
and  I  stopped  at  a  tavern,  and  about  one  o'clock  in  de 
mornin,  I  heard  a  feller  serenadin'  his  gal. 
Ma— What  did  he  sing  ? 
a— This ; 

Oh,  Susey  Rice, 
I've  called  you  twice. 
I  want  you  to  wake, 
And  see  your  Jake, 
And  ope  to  me  de  door — 
Or  winder — I  don't  care  which — for 
It  makes  but  little  difference 
To  eider  you  or  I — 
Big  pig,  little  pig, 
Root  hog,  or  die. 

And  I  tell  you,  massa,  he  got  a  mighty  warm  reception. 
M< — He  did  ? 
G> — Yes,  sir,  a  whole  pail  ob  hot  water. 

The  late  Rev.  Dr.  Bethune  once  entered  the  crowded 
cabin  of  a  Brooklyn  ferry-boat,  and  while  looking  about 
for  a  seat  suddenly  heard  himself  addressed  by  name. 
Turning  round  he  found  a  man  standing,  who  said  : 

Doctor,  take  my  seat ;  it's  an  honor  to  give  such  a 
man  a  seat.  Ever  since  I  heard  of  that  big  church  in 
New  York  trying  to  get  you  away  by  giving  a  call  of 
five  thousand  dollars,  and  you  said  you'd  see 'em  d— d 
first,  I  have  had  a  great  respect  for  you,  and  I  think  it 
an  honor  to  give  you  a  seat." 

Shakspeare. 

"  Avaunt  and  quit  my  sight !  Thy  bones  are  mar- 
rowless—thy  blood  is  cold— thou  hast  no  speculation  in 
those  eyes,  with  which  thou  dost  glare  upojj,  me  "—and 
thy  head  puts  me  in  mind  of — 

(  What,  sir  ?" 

"  A  worn-out  mop/* 


•v  4.1 1.44"  JOKE  BOOK.  47 

The  Man  In  The  Moon. 

"  I  heard  'em  say  dere  was  a  man  in  de  moon  ?" 
"  Yes.     T  believe  it  too." 
"  Why,  dat's  foolish." 

"  No,  sir,  for  my  wife  sed  she  didn't  know  an  oder 
man,  nor  want  to,  but  me,  and  den   she  sed  de  honey 


moon  was  nsin'." 


The  Soul. 

"  Sam,  did  you  ever  hear  dat  great  preacher  dis- 
course  about  de  soul  ?" 

"  No.     What  did  he  say." 

"  He  sed  de  soul  is  a  prisoner  dat  always  kills  its 
jailer  when  it  makes  its  escape." 

"  Wery  beautiful !  But  who  did  he  say  was  tne 
jailer  ?"  " 

"  He  didn't  say,  but  I  s'pose  it  is  de  thread  dat.de 
shoe  is  sewed  wid." 

"  Pompey,  when  I  see  you  in  de  gutter  1  tink  ob  de 
philosopher  who  sed :  "No  man  is  so  deep  but  has  a 
shallow  place." 

"  Jenny,"  said  a  landlady  to  her  maid  the  other 
morning,  "  Jenny,  was  there  any  fire  in  the  kitchen 
last  night  when  you  were  sitting  up  ?" 

"  Yes,  marm,"  said  Jenny,  "  there  was  a  spark  there 
when  I  went  down,  and  1  soon  fanned  it  into  flame." 

The  landlady  looked  suspiciously  at  Jenny,  but  she, 
innocent  girl,  went  on  scrubbing,  and  humming  "  Joe, 
the  Postman." 

An  impecunious  printer  at  Houston,  Texas,  wanted 
a  printing  press,  and  not  having  the  wherewithal  to 
purchase  it,  wrote  to  a  man  in  New  York,  stating  that 
if  a  press  was  not  sent  them  immediately  to  print 
ballots  with,  the  state  would  be  "  lost "  to  the  Demo- 
crats. The  press  was  sent,  and  Tracy,  the  sharper, 
rejoices  in  its  possession.  He  is  the  champion  con- 
fidence man  of  the  Lone  Star  State. 


48  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Doctors. 


,  can  you  tell  me  de  fust  ting  a  doctor  does 
when  he  goes  to  see  a  sick  man  ?" 

"  Why,  he  looks  at  his  tongue,  of  course." 

"  And  can  a  doctor  tell  what's  de  matter  wid  de  man 
by  looking  at  his  tongue  ?" 

"  Of  course." 

"  Den  I  want  a  doctor." 

"  Are  you  unwell,  sir." 

"  No,  but  I've  got  a  wagon  dat's  got  somfin  de 
matter  wid  it,  and  de  wagon's  got  a  tongue." 

"May  I  sing,  ma?"  asked  a  young  lady  of  four  who 
had  been  taken  to  church  by  her  mother,  and  whose 
bump  of  music  was  doubtless  excited  by  the  perform- 
ance to  which  she  was  listening.  Ma,  whose  eye  was 
upon  the  paniers  in  the  next  pew,  of  course  said  "  Yes," 
as  all  indulgent  mothers  do  ;  and  little  hopeful  with  a 
strong  voice,  commenced  "  Up  in  a  balloon."  "  Hush  ! 
hush  !"  said  ma,  "  don't  sing  that  !"  Pausing  a  moment, 
the  young  vocalist  struck  up  "  Not  for  Joe,"  and  was 
immediately  hustled  out  of  the  sanctuary. 

How  is  this  for  High.  —  A  boy  was  once  watching 
some  of  his  schoolfellows  as  they  pelted  an  old  gentle- 
man's windows  with  snowballs.  The  old  gentleman 
finally  rushed  out  of  the  house,  determined,  if  possible, 
to  inflict  some  severe  punishment  on  the  offender,  say- 
ing, when  he  caught  the  boy:  "Now,  you  rascal,  I'll 
whip  you  within  an  inch  of  your  life  !"  Accordingly, 
he  began  to  thrash  him,  when  the  boy  immediately 
commenced  laughing,  and  continued  until  the  old  gen- 
tleman desisted  with  the  exclamation  —  "What  are  you 
laughing  at?"  "Well,  said  the  boy,  "I'm  laughing 
because  you  are  awfully  sold  ;  I  airft  the  boy  /" 

"  My  dear,"  said  an  affectionate  spouse  to  her  husband, 
"  am  I  not  your  only  treasure  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,"  was  the  cool  reply,  "  and  I  would  willingly 
lay  it  up  in  heaven.  "^_ 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  49 

Stopped  Sudden. 

"  Julius,  I    heard    that   an    accident   happened   you 

lately  ?" 

"  Yes,  Sam,  I  fell  off  a  ladder  sixty-foot  high." 

"  Did  you  hurt  you  much  when  you  fell  V 

"  Oh  no,  Sam,  de  fall  didn't  hurt  me,  it  was  stoppin3 

so  sudden." 

"  How  did  the  accident  occur?" 

"  After  I  got  almost  to  de  top  ob  de  ladder  a  pig 

come  and  rubbed  himself  against  de  bottom  and  upset 

it." 

That  was  a  funny  remark  of  the  little  girl  who  was 
sent  out  to  hunt  hen's  eggs.  She  thought  as  she  didn't 
find  any,  it  was  strange,  as  she  saw  '"'  lots  of  hens 
standing  around  doing  nothing." 

A  shoddy  young  lady  surprised  her  mother  on  return- 
ing from  a  dance  by  saying  that  she  enjoyed  the  "  hugg- 
ing, set  to  music,  most  bullyly."  She  had  reference  to 
waltzing,  and  why  isn't  that  a  good  name  for  it  1  We 
think  it  a  capital  one. 

"  Have  I  not  a  right  to  be  saucy,  if  I  please  ?"  asked 
a  young  lady  of  an  old  bachelor. 

"Yes,  if  you  please,  but  not  if  you  displease. 

Admitted. — Of  all  the  strikes  that  inflict  the  greatest 
injury  on  the  people,  and  leave  nothing  but  bad  blood 
and  ill-feeling  behind  them,  the  policeman's  strike  is 
admitted  to  be  the  worst. 

Happiness. — Among  the  "Wants"  in  one  of  our 
daily  papers  we  see  "  Partial  beard  for  a  single  gentle- 
man ;  house  kept  by  a  widow  and  daughter  ;  busses  and 
cars  convenient."  Oh  !  that  we  were  a  boarder  ! 

At  a  sabbath-school  at  Burlington,  Iowa,  a  pupil  said 
that  children  were  Christ's  lambs.  "  Then,  if  the 
children  are  lambs,  what  are  the  old  folks,"  asked  a  lady 
teacher.  "  Old  bucks,"  answered  a  boy  of  the  period, 


50  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Barber. 

"  Well,  do  you  make  plenty  of  money  now,  Julius  ?" 
"  Pretty  good  deal ;  but  I  am  in  de  shavin'  business." 
"Indeed  !     Well,  how  do  you  succeed  as  a  fashion- 
able barber?" 

"  Why.  you  see,  Pompey,  I  charge  six  cents,  an  has 
a  good  many  customers  in  de  shavin  line  ;  but  when  de 
liquor  law  goes  in  operation,  I  shall  charge  ten  cents  for 
a  shave,  and  that  is  after  the  fourth  of  July." 

"  Why,  Julius,  what  is  the  reason  you  intend  to  raise 
the  price  of  shaving  from  six  to  ten  cents  after  the 
fourth  of  July  ?" 

"  Well,  I  make  a  close  calculation,  it  will  take  so 
much  more  lather,  because,  you  see,  the  faces  of  nine- 
tenths  of  my  customers  will  then  be  one-third  lunger." 

As  the  ferry  boat  was  leaving  the  foot  of  Chambers 
street,  N.  Y.,  on  Saturday,  "  Pat,"  the  porter  of  the 
Spaulding  House,  Binghampton,  had  to  make  a  jump 
of  about  three  feet  to  get  aboard.  He  was  excited  at 
the  prospect  of  getting  left,  and  jumped  further  than 
was  necessary,  landing  among  the  chains,  and  rolling 
over  against  the  ladies'  cabin.  Picking  himself  up,  he 
looked  at  the  gap  between  the  boat  and  the  shore,  in- 
creased to  about  forty  feet  by  the  moving  boat,  scratched 
his  head  and  said  :  "  Howly  Jabers,  what  a  lep  !"  He 
thought  he  had  made  the  biggest  jump  on  record. 

A  Cool  Philosopher. — A  young  chap  boarded  at  one 
of  the  hotels  in  San  Francisco,  and  managed  for  a  long 
time,  by  one  artifice  or  another,  to  postpone  the  pay- 
ment of  his  bill.  At  last,  the  landlord  became  quite 
impatient,  and  stepping  up  to  his  boarder,  slapped  him 
gently  on  the  shoulder,  and  asked  him  for  some  money. 
"  I  have  not  a  red  cent  about  me  at  present,"  was  the 
laconic  reply.  "  But,  my  dear  sir,"  said  the  landlord, 
"I  cannot  afford  to  keep  a  boarding-house  without  be- 
ing paid."  "  Well,  sir,"  exclaimed  our  young  philoso- 
pher, "  if  you  cannot  afford  it,  sell  out  to  somebody 
who  can" 


"4-1144"  JOKE  BOOK.  51 

Kisses. 

"  Julius,  what  is  a  kiss  ?" 
"  A  kiss  is  a  buss," 

"  Suppose  that  you  kiss  a  person's  hand,  what  do 
you  call  it  ?" 
"A  silly-buss." 

"  Now,  then,  if  you  should  kiss  everybody  in  the 
room^  without  regard  to  sex,  what  would  you  call 
that  v 

"  An  omni-buss." 

"Suppose  you  kiss  the  wrong  person  ?" 
'Why,  dat  would  be  a  blunder-buss." 
"Suppose  you  should  go  down  in de  kitchen  and  kiss 
the  cook  ?" 

"  Why,  den  you're  gone,  sure." 

"How  is  that  ?» 

"  'Case  you'll  bus-t  your  biler." 

A  lively  demand  for  tracts  at  a  Western  settlement 
recently  ^encou  raged  the  hopes  of  the  Tract  Society 
that  an  immense  work  of  revival  must  be  going  on 
there.  The  cry  was  constantly  for  "  tracts,  more 
tracts."  At  last  it  leaked  out  that  the  settlers  were 
using  these  promoters  of  faith,  not  for  moral  comfort, 
but  to  paper  their  log  cabins  with.  The  Tract  Society 
since  the  discovery,  is  a  wiser,  but  sadder  institution. 

A  disappointed  young  man,  whose  girl  had  "  gone 
back"  on  him,  went  to  a  Muscatine  drug  store  the 
other  night,  and  called  for  a  dose  of  cold  poison.  The 
druggist  surmised  his  purpose,  and,  without  saying 
anything,  gave  him,  instead  of  poison,  a  powerful 
emetic.  It  had  a  good  effect,  as  he  soon  threw  up  his 
sad  spirits,  and  begged  lustily  for  his  life. 

A  committee  appointed  to  investigate  an  alleged 
charge  of  undue  punishment  inflicted  by  a  school  teacher 
reported  "  that  the  punishment  was  not  actuated  by 
malice,  but  was  occasioned  by  an  undue  appreciation 
"f  the  thickness  of  the  boy's  pantaloons." 


52  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Paddy's  "Excelsior." 

'Twas  growing  dark  so  terrible  fasht, 
Whin  through  a  town  up  the  mountain  there  pashecl 
A  broth  of  a  boy  to  his  neck  in  the  shnow* 
As  he  walked,  his  shillalah  he  swung  to  and  fro, 
Saying,  it's  up  to  the  top  I'm  bound  for  to  go, 
Be  jabers ! 

He  looked  mortal  sad,  and  his  eyes  were  as  bright, 
As  a  fire  of  turf  on  a  cowld  winter  night, 
And  a  divil  a  word  that  he  said  could  ye  tell, 
As  he  opened  his  mouth  and  let  out  a  yell, 
It's  up  to  the  top  of  the  mountain  I'll  go, 
Onless  covered  up  with  this  bothersome  shnow, 
Be  jabers ! 

Through  the  windows  he  saw  as  he  traveled  along, 
The  light  of  the  candles  and  fires  so  warm, 
But  a  big  chunk  of  ice  hung  over  his  head, 
Wid  a  shiver  and  groan,  by  St.  Patrick  !  he  said, 
It's  up  to  the  very  tip-top  I  will  rush, 
And  then  if  it  falls  it's  not  meself  it'll  crush, 
Be  jabers  ! 

Whist  a  bit  !  said  an  owld  man,  whose  head  was  as  white 
As  the  shnow  that  fell  down  on  that  miserable  night ; 
Shu n>,  ye'll  fall  in  the  wather,  me  bit  of  a  lad, 
For  the  night  is  so  dark  and  the  walkin'  so  bad, 
Beclad  !  he'd  not  lisht  to  a  word  that  was  said, 
But  he'd  go  to  the  top  if  he  went  on  his  head, 
Be  jabers  ! 

A  bright  buxom  young  girl,  such  as  like  to  be  kissed, 
Axed  him  wudn't  hesthop,  and  how  could  he  resist? 
So,  snapping  his  fingers,  and  winking  his  eye, 
While  shmiling  upon  her,  he  made  this  reply — 
Faith,  1  meant  to  kape  on  till  I  got  to  the  top, 
But  as  your  shwate  self  has  axed  me,  1  may  as  well  shtop, 
Bejabers  ! 


"  4-11-44 r'  JOKE  BOOK.  S3 

He  shtopped  all  night  and  he  sh topped  all  day, 
And  ye  mustn't  be  axin  when  he  did  gu  away; 
Fur  wudn't  he  be  a  bastely  gossoon 
To  be  lavin'  his  darlint  in  the  shwate  honey-moon? 
Whin  the  old  man  has  praties  enough  and  to  spare, 
Shure  he  might  as  well  shtay,  if  he's  comfortable  there, 
Be  jabers  ! 

Book-Keeper. 
"  Sam,  why  don't  you  come  down  to  the  store  and 

see  me  ?" 

"  To  the  store  !     What  do  vou  do  in  a  store?" 

"  Why,  Sam,  I  am  a  clerk." 

"  Oh,  yes.     Well,  what  do  you  have  to  do  ?" 

"  Not  much.  1  go  down  in  the  morning  about  five 
o'clock,  sweep  out  the  store,  make  de  fires,  take  down 
de  shutters,  wait  on  de  ladies,  &c.  Oh,  Sarn  !  I  don't 
hab  much  to  do." 

"  I  suppose  your  employer  places  great  confidence  in 
you?" 

"  Yes ;  the  boss  went  out  of  town  the  other  day,  an 
left  me  in  charge  of  de  bisness.  We  done  a  first-rate 
bisness  that  day,  an  when  the  boss  came  back,  he  went 
behind  the  counter,  opened  the  drawer  to  see  how  much 
money  had  been  taken,  an  he  found  that  it  had  all  been 
taken." 

"  Then,  I  suppose,  you  were  taken  ?" 

"  Yes  ;  the  proprietor  had  me  down  to  the  police 
court,  an  a  man  that  was  in  the  store  swore  that  he  see 
me  take  the  money,  an  they  was  jest  a  goin  to  send  me 
up  to  whar  dey  sing  twice,  but  I  told  the  judge  it  was 
not  right  to  commit  me,  for  there  was  but  one  man 
swore  that  he  see  me  take  the  money,  an  I  could  go  out 
and  get  two  hundred  that  would  swear  they  didn't  see 
me  take  it ;  so  they  let  me  go." 

"  What  are  you  doing  now  ?" 

"  I  got  another  place.     I  am  a  book-keeper  now," 

"  How  do  you  keep  books  ?" 

"Easy  enough.  I  takes 'em  home  at  night,  keeps 
'em  till  next  day,  an'  den  brings  'em  back  again." 


54  BRUDDER  BONES' 

"  Is  it  a  goov.  situation  ?" 
"  First-rate.     J  get  seven  dollars  a  month." 
"Surely,  that's  very  good." 
"  Yes,  sir ;  seven  dollars  a  month  an'  found." 
"  That's  better  still." 

"  And  I  get  one  month's  wages  in  advance." 
"  When  do  you  go  to  work  ?" 
w  Just  as  soon  as  the  man  finds  me." 
"  What  will  you  do  then  ?" 

"  Why,  I'll  get  another  month's  wages  an'  let  him 
find  me  again." 

A  woman  in  Indiana  prays  that  she  may  be  cut  loose 
from  her  husband,  giving  as  a  reason  that  he  has  only 
bought  her  a  pair  of  shoe-strings  since  their  marriage. 
We  sympathize  with  the  woman.  Such  a  wardrobe  as 
that  must  be  rather  cool  at  this  season  of  the  year,  to 
say  nothing  of  how  a  woman  must  look  dressed  only 
in  a  pair  of  shoe-strings. 

One  Sunday  morning  as  a  flock  of  the  faithful  were 
wending  their  way  to  the  village  church  they  were  sur- 
prised to  find  the  building  closed,  the  bell  silent,  and 
no  evidence  that  a  congregation  were  expected  to  as- 
semble. The  astonishment  of  the  brethren  and  sisters 
was  somewhat  relieved  by  the  sudden  discovery  of  the 
following  placard  : 

"  This  'ere  plais  is  klozed  for  repairs  onto  the  preach- 
er. His  voice  is  gin  eout,  &  we've  sent  him  to  Sava- 
togy  to  recooper  it,  onto  ful-pay.  Sinners  under  kon- 
vickshun  is  respeckfully  requested  to  adjurn  to  Sara- 
togy,  eff  they  have  the  stamps.  Eff  not,  to  hold  til 
the  Fall  term.  Eff  they  konclude  to  die  in  the  mean- 
time, your  preacher  will  maik  it  awl  rite  with  'em  in 
the  nex  wurld." 

Slender  party  (who  is  not  very  comfortable) — "  These 
street  cars  ought  to  charge  by  weight,"  Stout  party 
(sharply) — "  Ah  !  if  they  did  they  would  never  stop  to 
pick  you  up." 


"4-1144"  JOKE  BOOK.  65 

Lap  Dog. 

"  Sam,  I  heard  somefin'  'bout  Pompey  yesterday." 

"What  is  it,  Julius!" 

"  Why,  he  went  down  to  see  his  gal  night  afore  last, 
an'  his  gal  has  got  a  pooty  little  dog  an'  she  was  hug- 
gin'  an'  kissin'  de  dog,  when  Pompey  got  jealous." 

"What  did  he  say?" 

"  Sez  he  to  de  gal,  '  Jane,  why  don't  you  kiss  me  like 
you  do  de  little  dog  ?' " 

"  What  answer  did  she  make  ?" 

"  Why,  she  tole  him  dat  she  didn't  kiss  ebery  puppy 
dat  come  along." 

"  Sam,  what's  next  to  de  oyster  ?" 
"  I  really  don't  know,  Julius." 
"  Why,  de  shell,  ob  course." 

A  greenhorn  sat  a  long  time,  very  attentive,  musing 
upon  a  cane-bottom  chair.  At  length  he  said  : 

"  I  wonder  what  fellow  took  the  trouble  to  find  all 
them  ar  holes,  and  put  straws  around  'em." 

A  Boston  undertaker  having  established  himself 
next  door  to  a  popular  livery  stable,  was  accosted  one 
day  by  an  individual,  apparently  in  a  great  hurry,  who 
asked,  "  Can  I  get  an  open  buggy  here  ?"  "  No  sir," 
said  the  interrogated,  "we  haven't  got  a  buggy,  but, 
(pointing  to  a  hearse  which  stood  at  the  door)  we  can 
accommodate  you  with  a  skeleton  wagon!"" 

General  Wood  says,  in  writing  from  Brazil,  that  the 
ladies,  on  being  introduced  to  a  stranger,  insist  upon 
being  embraced,  "  heart  throbbing  against  heart."  Ho, 
for  Brazil ! 

A  Hotel  at  Red  Oak,  Iowa,  advertises  :  "  The  most 
polite  ladies  will  act  as  waiters,  dresssd  in  pea-green 
jackets,  tilting  hoops,  and  high-heeled  buttoned  gaiters." 
How  about  the  hash  ?  That's  of  more  importance  to 
a  hungry  man  than  pea-green  jackets  or  buttoned-up 
hoops. 


56  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Lola  Montez. 

"  Jake,  did  you  eber  hear  Lola  Montez  lecture  ?" 

"  Bless  your  heart,  no." 

"  Wall,  I  did." 

"  What  did  she  say  ?" 

"  I  can't  recollect,  but — she  sed  de  man  always  lubs  de 
woman  a*nd  de  woman  does  what  she  wants  wid  him." 

"  No  sir-ee,  dat  aint  right." 

"  Well,  she  said  Ebe  tempted  Adam,  and  crammed 
an  apple  in  his  troat,  and  so  it  has  been  eber  since,  an 
I  know  what  she  sez  is  all  right,  for  de  newspapers  all 
say  de  same  ting." 

"  Oh,  Adam  wasn't  no  man,  den." 

"  Wasn't  no  man  T 

11  No,  he  was  defunct  afore  dat  occurred." 

"  Was  what  ?" 

"  He  was  dead  in  lub  wid  Ebe." 

Alas  !  that  there  should  be  so  many  poor  souls  who, 
in  this  world,  and  that  which  is  to  come,  look  forward 
to  nothing  that  is  substantially  comfortable  and  satis- 
fying !  Here,  for  instance,  is  a  veritable  descendant  ol 
St.  Martha,  who  came  into  a  neighbor's  house  a  few 
days  since,  downcast,  wearying  with  many  cares  and 
cumbered  with  much  serving,  "  So  much  to  dot  clean- 
ing, "working,  cooking,  washing,  sewing,  and  everything 
else  !  No  rest !  never  was,  never  will  be  for  vne  !" 

"  0,  yes,"  said  the  good  woman  she  addressed, "  there 
will  be  a  rest  one  day  for  us  all — a  long  rest." 

"  Not  for  me  !  not  for  me,"  was  the  reply.  '  When- 
ever I  do  die,  there  will  be  certain  to  be  resurrection 
the  very  next  day  !  It  would  be  just  my  luck !  ' 

Tit-for-Tat. — George  Coleman  getting  out  or  a  hack 
ney  coach  one  night,  gave  the  driver  a  shilling.    "  This 
is  a  bad  shilling,  sir,"  said  the  driver.     "  Then  it  is  all 
right,"  said  George,  with  his  inimitable  chuckle, ''  it  is 
all  right — yours  is  a  bad  coach." 

Why  are  a  young  lady's  affections  always  doubtful  ? 
Because  they  are  miss-givings. 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  57 

Bank  Note. 

"  Julius,  what  was  that  man  tryin'  to  sell  you  yes- 
terday ?" 

"It  was  a  bank-note  detector." 

"  Did  you  buy  one  ?" 

«  No." 

"Why  not?" 

"  I  tole  de  man  dat  I  would  buy  one  if  he  could  de- 
tect a  bank-note  in  my  pocket." 

False  Witness. — The  children  at  a  Sunday-school 
not  long  since,  being  asked,  among  other  questions, 
what  bearing  false  witness  against  one's  neighbor 
meant,  a  pert  little  girl  replied  :  "  That  it  was  when 
nobody  hain't  done  nothing,  and  somebody  goes  and 
tells." 

Jones  thinks  that  soda-water  is  not  reliable  for  a 
steady  drink.  It  is  too  gassy.  The  next  morning  after 
drinking  thirty-eight  bottles  he  found  himself  full  of 
gas  and  as  tight  as  a  balloon.  He  hadn't  an  article  of 
clothing  that  he  could  wear  except  his  umbrella. 

Chilicothe,  Ohio,  is  having  fun  with  one  of  those 
careful  ministers.  His  name  is  Charles  F.  Blank.  He 
has  been  acting  so  with  the  wife  of  the  sexton  of  the 
church  that  they  couldn't  take  any  comfort  with  him. 
All  of  which  comes  from  not  sowing  one's  "  wild  oats" 
before  one  gets  into  the  "  cloth." 

Young  lady  (to  Fred,  with  thin  legs) — "  Fred,  I 
always  admired  your  courage.  I  knew  when  I  first 
laid  my  eyes  on  y»u,  that  you  were  brave  to  rashness." 
Fred  (coming  up  smiling) — "Oh!  don't  my  dear? 
Why  do  you  say  that?"  Young  lady — "Why  any 
man  must  have  courage  who  can  trust  himself  long  at 
a  time  on  such  legs  as  yours." 

At  Cedar  Falls,  Iowa,  they  get  mad  if  a  man  goes 
into  the  theater  with  a  cigar  in  his  mouth  and  puts  his 
heels  on  the  shoulders  of  the  man  in  front  of  him.  A 
man  got  arrested  just  for  that  out  there.  There  is  no 
sociability  about  some  people. 


68  BRUDDER  BONES' 

Perpetuating  life. 

"  Julius,  I  hab  found  out  a  new  way  ob  perpetuating 
my  life." 

"  Pompey,  is  that  so  1  If  it  is  original  it  must  be 
good." 

"  Yes,  Julius.  I  claimed  it  as  original  though  others 
had  employed  it  before  me." 

"  Then  it  can't  be  original." 

"  Yes,  sir,  it  is." 

"  Well,  let's  hab  it,  Pompey?" 

"  Stump  de  State  for  political  candidates,  an'  you  will 
get  a  strong  name  ;  den  go  and  rob  a  bank  an  dat  builds 
your  fame,  for  Ole  Massa  Antony  sed  when  he  buried 
de  great  fader  ob  your  name,  Julius,  "  de  evil  dat  men 
do  will  live  after  dem." 

"  Den  de  argument  is,  dat  stump  speaking  is  evil  ?" 

"  Yes,  ob  course,  if  you  look  at  it  as  I  look,  an' 
many  oders  do,  to  carry  out  dere  base  purpose." 

"  Oh,  I  see.     It  is  de  foundation  ob  evil." 

"  Yes,  and  de  root  ob  all  (subsequent)  evil." 

At  Terre  Haute,  Ind.,  a  man  "  reproved  "  his  wife 
with  an  ax  handle,  breaking  a  lot  of  her  ivibs.  He 
should  be  "  reasoned  "  with  a  piece  of  rope. 

On  the  arrival  of  an  emigrant  ship,  some  years  ago, 
when  the  North  Carolina  lay  off  the  Battery,  an  Irish- 
man, hearing  the  guns  fired  at  sunset,  inquired  of  one 
of  the  sailors  what  it  was. 

"  What's  that?  Why,  that's  sunset,"  was  the  con- 
temptous  reply. 

"  Sunset !"  Paddy  exclaimed,  with  distended  eyes, 
"sunset?  Howly  Moses  !  and  does  the  sun  always  go 
down  in  this  country  with  such  a  whack  as  that?" 

Why  is  a  newspaper  reporter  like  a  pickpocket  ? 
Because  he  takes  notes  and  must  have  nimble  fingers 
to  ensure  success. 

Why,  if  my  father  has  ten  sisters  may  it  be  inferred 
that  I  have  leased  property  ? 

Because  I  have  ten  aunts  (tenants). 


"4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK.  59 

A  Californian  proposes  a  pretty  little  job  to  Con- 
gress. He  owns,  he  writes,  a  number  of  silver  mines  : 
"  I  own  millions  and  millions  of  feet  of  affluent  silver 
leads  in  Nevada — in  fact,  I  own  the  entire  undercrust 
of  that  country,  nearly  ;  and  if  Congress  would  move 
that  State  off  my  property  so  that  I  could  get  at  it,  I 
would  be  wealthy  yet." 

A  person  at  Liverpool,  England,  writes  to  Milwaukea 
to  get  information  as  to  the  whereabouts  of  one  John 
Smith,  but  the  papers  there  are  unable  to  find  him. 
We  don't  -want  to  press  our  services  upon  the  man,  but 
there  was  a  John  Smith  in  one  of  the  Wisconsin  regi- 
ments during  the  war.  It  might  be  well  to  write  to 
him. 

The  Spaniards  are  not  commonly  supposed  to  be  a 
progressive  people,  and  yet  it  is  certain  that  at  this 
moment  Spain  is  the  most  rising  country  in  Europe, 
not  excepting  even  Ireland. 

A  Boston  lady  going  through  Kansas,  saw  an  animal 
near  the  depot,  and  asked  a  boy  if  it  was  a  buffalo. 
Her  curiosity  was  satisfied  when  he  replied.  "  No 
ma'am.  Them's  a  muil !"  Restoratives  were  immedi- 
ately applied,  and  she  enjoyed  a  good  night's  rest. 

A  noted  Western  Express  Company  prints  on  its 
shipping  receipts  that  it  will  not  be  liable  for  "  any  loss 
or  damage  by  fire,  the  acts  of  God  or  Indians,  or  other 
enemies  of  the  government." 

A  girl  in  Chester,  Vt.,  has  died  from  tight  lacing. 
These  corsets  should  be  done  away  with,  and  if  the 
girls  can't  live  without  being  squeezed  we  suppose 
men  can  be  found  who  would  sacrifice  themselves.  As 
old  as  we  are,  we  had  rather  devote  three  hours  a  day, 
without  a  cent  of  pay,  as  a  brevet  corset,  than  see 
these  girls  dying  off  in  that  manner.  Office  hours  al- 
most any  time. 


60       BRUDDER  BONES'  "4-11-44"  JOKE  BOOK. 

Stays. 

'•'  Bosh,  did  you  eber  see  a  pair  of  stays  ?" 

"Take  care  an'  don't  insult  me." 

"  How  is  dat  goiu'  to   insult  you  I  should  like   to 
know  ?" 

"  Why,  I  wore  'em." 

"  You  wore  'em  ?     Ha  !  ha  !" 

"  Yes,  wen  I  in  de  State's  prison." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  mean  dat  kind  ob  stays  :  I  mean  ladies 
corsets." 

"  No,  Sam,  I  neber  seed  any  ob  dem,  but  1'se  seen 
Uncle  Sam's  stays." 

"  Bosh,  dat  was  witty." 

"  Yes,  sir.     I  always  wet-tea  afore  I  hans  it  round." 

"  Sam,  de  most  curious  ting  I  eber  see  was  dat   a 
watch  always  keeps  so  dry." 
"Why,  Julius?" 
"  'Case  dars  a  running  spring  inside  ob  it." 

Why  are  persons  with  short  memories  like  office- 
holders ? 

Because  they  are  always  for  getting  everything. 

THE  END. 


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book,  and  a  careful  study  of  the  plates  thereto  attached  will  enable  one 
to  "  hold  his  own  "  wheresoever  he  may  go  and  with  whomsoever  he  may 
come  in  contact.  The  pictures  show  every  possible  attitude  for  blow, 
f»int,  stop,  dodge  or  get-away.  A  voluminous  outline  of  the  lives  of  a 
large  number  who  have  entered  the  ring  to  prove  their  prowess  is  ap- 
pended as  examples  of  what  may  be  achieved  oy  thorough  training. 
also  contains  the  "  London  Prize  Ring  Rules  "  and  "  Revised  Queertsbury 
Rules."  Sent  by  mall,  post-paid,  on  receipt  of  25  Cents.  

ADDRESS  ALL  ORDERS  JO 

HEMRY  J.  WEHMAN,  Publisher,!  08  Park  Row,  Hew  York 


Rnnoc'    A.I  (.44     Inlrar     Containing  end  men's  dialogues,  co- 
HOneS     l-ll-l*    JORer.    nundruins,  "gags"  and  funny  stories. 

01  p;>.    Seat  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  1O  Cents. 

Wahman'c  Rlanlr    Inlrac      A  book  full  and   running  over  with  darkey  jokes 
nenmdll  o  Blab*  ilURCdi    and  comicalities,  illustrated  with  100  of  the  most 
comic  engravings.    '.Hipp.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  25  Cents. 

fihrktv'c.  Rlark  Clown  Jokp  Book      A  capital  lot  of  jokes,  colloquies,  end 
bliriSIJ  S   DldCK  UlUHn  JURe  DUU&I    mells  -.conundrums,  etc.,  for 

the  minstrel  stage.    04pp.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  1O  Cents. 


'c  Riirnt  Pnrlr    Pnmir>a)!4!ac      A  une  lot  °f    humorous   speeches, 
S  DUrni  UOrK   UOmiCaimeS.    dialogues  and  conundrums,  l.y  that 
well-known  delineator  of  Ethiopian  character,  BYRO.N  CHRISTY.    04  pp.    Sent  by  mail, 
Mid.  on  receipt  of  1  0  Cents. 

Da  Witt'c  Uanriw  I  altar  Writar      Containing  full  and  explicit  instructions 

ue  niii  s  nanay  Lener  nriier.  in  tne  art  of  lmer  writing,  with  many 

hints  as  to  style,  composition,  and  punctuation  of  letters  on  a  variety  of  subjects,  from 
business  to  pleasure.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  1O  <'euts. 


BONES;  His  Gags  and  Stump  Speeches. 


containing  genuine  darkey  stump  speeches,  colloquies  between  middle  and  end  men, 
dialect  stories,  etc.    04  pp.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  15  Cents. 


TAMBO;  His  Jokes  and  Funny  Sayings, 


Minstrel."  by  BOBBY  NEWCOMB.    It  teaches  all  the  "tricks  of  the  trade,"   and    fur- 
nishes a  full  budget  of  good  things  "to  set  the  house  in  a  roar."  (54  pp.     Sent  by  mail, 
••aid.  on  receipt  of  15  Cieiitw. 

Rue     U/iliiomc'    Vfnrlil     nf    UiiiMAr      A    collection    of    humorous    stories, 

bus  n  imams   norm  01  numor.  queer  anecdotes,  Dutch  and  insh 

drolleries,   jolly  jokes  and  bright  sayings.    Compiled  by  that  prince  of  humorists, 
Grs  WILLIAMS.    128pp.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  25  Cents. 


Pat  Rooney's  Quaint  Conundrums  and  Funny  Gags. 

wit  and  humor,  Chinese  sketches,  humorous  anecdotes,  and  mirth-provoking  stor- 
A  capital  book  for  end  men  in  minstrel  entertainments.  100  pp.  Sent  by  mail, 
•aid.  on  receipt  of  25  Cent*. 

Da    Witt'o    I  accnnc  in  I  nwo      From  the  time  that   Ovid  wrote  his  "Art  of 

U6    H  IlIS    LeSSOnS  m  UOVCi    Loye"  to  the  present  day.  love-making  has 

never  ceased  to  play  a  most  important  part  in  literature.    In  this  book  are  given  kindly 

hints,  practical  advice,  and  the  best  thoughts  of  the  greatest  authors  upon  this  subject, 

both  in  prose  and  verse.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  25  Cents. 

Wehman's   Fun    in    Black;   or,  Sketches  of  Minstrel  Life. 

By  <  'MAS.  H.  DAY.    With  the  "Origin  of  Minstrelsy."  by  Col.  T.  ALSTON  BROXVV.  giving 
History  of  Ethiopian  Minstrelsy  from  iT'.t'.i.    Singular  scenes  before  the  footlights, 
amusing  anecdotes,  etc.    sixty  exceedingly  funny  pictures  add  greatly  to  the  humor- 
ous text.    100  pp.    Sent   by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  25  Cents. 

Wehman's  Burnt  Cork  ;  or,  The  Amateur  Minstrel. 

S,  end  men's  jokes,  conundrums,   recitations,   farces,  finales  for  "first  part/1 

and  a  full  description  of  everything  necessary  to  arrange  a  minstrel  entertainment.    A 

t  valuable  companion  and  guide  to  the  young  amateur.    By  FRANK;  DCMONT.  the 

;lt  of  the  Ethiopian  drama.    Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  25  Cents. 

Wehman's  Errors  in  Speaking  and  Writing  Corrected.  ,  V,  '.''"]',  ","/i1;. 

>k  of  the  kind,  containing  many  examples  of  <  ig'if  and  w  <nq  use  of  words,  with 
uable  ni!  •••Hing.  and  for  the  rightful  and  elegant  construction  of  sentences. 

iiapter  on  "Don't."  and  a  number  of  familiar  synonyms,  all  forming  a  most 
uabli  and  convenient  little  manual,  which  cannot  fail  to  be  of  use  to  all  who  con- 
lit.  Sent  by  mail,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  1O  Cent*. 

Address  all  orders  to 

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»••••••••••»•••»»••••••••••»•*•»•••••••••••••••» 

SONGS 

ONE  CENT  EACH. 


3  Anld  lang  syne 

4  Ella  Ree 

5  Old  cabin  home 

e  Little  ones  at  home 

7  Old  black  Joe 

8  Home,  sweet  home 

9  Larboard  watch 
11  Killarney 

1(5  My  country,  'tis  of  thee 

20  Write  me  a  letter  from  home 

23  Old  folks  at  home  (Suanee  ribber) 

24  Sweet  bye-and-bye 

29  Rocked  In  the  cradle  of  the  deep 
33  When  you  and  I  were  young,  Maggie 
3f>  When  I  saw  sweet  Nellie  home 

37  Sweet  spirit,  hear  my  prayer 

38  Last  rose  of  summer 
45 'Poor  old  slave 

48  Take  this  letter  to  my  mother 
56  Little  old  log  cabin  in  the  lane 
58  Marching  through  Georgia 
65  Minstrel  boy 
67  Star-spangled  banner 

72  Faded  coat  of  blue 

73  Hold  the  fo<  t 

74  Slavery  days 

77  My  old  Kentucky  home,  good-night 

80  Sword  of  Bunker  Hill 

83  Good  Rhine  wine 

R5  You've  been  a  friend  to  me 

86  Listen  to  the  mocking  bird 

8Vt  Silver  threads  among  the  gold 

90  Little  Robin,  tell  Kitty  I'm  coming 

93  Her  bright  smile  haunts  me  still 

95  Gipsy's  warning 

98  Swinging  in  the  lane 

104  Girl  Ileft  behind  me 

107  Carry  me  back  to  old  Virginny 

109  Kitty  Wells 

154  Nearer,  my  God,  to  Thee 

155  Good  news  from  home 
157  Shells  of  ocean 

15S  Massa's  in  the  cold,  cold  ground 

172  Tenting  on  tne  old  camp  ground 

183  Twenty  years  ago 

187  Woodman,  spare  that  tree 

207  Bells  of  Shandon 

230  Annie  Laurie 

222  Sherman's  march  to  the  sea 

235  Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep 

243  Oil,  dem 'golden  slippers 


244  In  the  morning  by  the  brignt  light 

250  Rock  me  to  sleep,  mother 

252  Darling  Nelly  Gray 

256  Ben  Bolt 

268  Hail,  Columbia 

275  I've  only  been  down  to  the  club 

281  Our  good  ship  sails  to-night 

283  Come  home,  father 

284  Little  Maggie  May 
288  Sallie  in  our  alley 

312  Red,  white  and  blue 

313  Old  oaken  bucket 

a32  Lamentation  of  Johnny  Reel 

339  Battle  cry  of  freedom 

359  Old  and  only  in  the  way 

369  Soldier's  farewell 

372  My  dear  Savannah  home 

384  American  boy 

394  Tell  me  where  my  Eva's  gone 

477  In  de  evening  by  de  moonlight  v. 

497  Old  dog  Tray 

498  Juanita 

502  Marseilles  hymn 

503  God  save  the  Queen 

506  Cheer,  boys,  cheer 

507  Dixie's  land 

510  Watch  on  the  Rhine 

516  We  won't  go  home  till  morning 

543  Pop  goes  the  weasel 

546  Wait  for  the  wagon 

557  Be  home  early  to-night,  my  dear  boy 

643  Farmer's  boy 

655  Some  day  [lelu  jah 

659  John  Brown  song  (Glory,  glory  lial- 

660  Tramp,  tramp,  tramp,  the  boys  are 
6G4  Bring  back  my  bonnie  tome  fmarch- 
667  Hard  times  come  again  no  more  [ing 
672  Blue  bells  of  Scotland 

677  Just  before  the  battle,  mother 

691  Come,  landlord,  fill  the  flowing  bowl 

791  Kiss  me.  mother,  ere  I  die 

795  Who  will  care  for  mother  now 

871  Nellie  was  a  lady 

889  When  Johnny  comes  marching  home 

936  Lips  that  touch  liquor  shall  ne\ 

968  Yankee  Doodle  .ich  mine 

937  Wrap  the  flag  around  me,  boys 
1234  Good-night,  ladies 

1237  Flag  of  the  Free 

1305  Columbus 

1434  The  church  across  the  way 


We  will  send  IO  of  the  above  Songs,  your  selection,  for  IO  cts. 
3O  for  25  cts.;   5O  for  4O  cts.;   IOO  for  75  cts.  IRJ 

we  will  not  send  less  than  IO  of  these  Songs  by  mail.     B«  -,u 
to  order  Songs  by  their  numbers  only.    Complete  Catalogue  t< 
all  our  Songs  sent  free  on  application. 

ADDRESS  ALL  ORDERS  TO 

HENRY  J.  WEHMAN,  Publisher,  108  Park  Row,  NEW  YORCi 

>++»»•••»•••»++•»+•+•«<  I 


